Conflict In The Masculine And Feminine

In today’s episode of The Zesty Podcast, Dr. Alex talks about the role of conflict in masculine and feminine relationships, and how to interface with it more intentionally in ways that feel good to us. She also talks about the importance of reclaiming personal power and authenticity. 

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Podcast Transcript:

Dr. Alex Golden  

Hello, Hello, Dr. Alex here with you. Welcome to becoming dusty, we are so glad that you are here on the podcast. Thank you for joining me, today we’re going to be talking about conflict, which obviously never sounds really fun. But actually, we’re going to be talking about the role of conflict and masculine and feminine relationships. And that is because we need to first understand what conflict is and the role that it plays in order to interface with it more intentionally, in ways that feel good to us. And this is really, the same kind of conversation we’ve been having throughout this entire masculine and feminine series, is that the point of thinking in these ways about ourselves, really has the most to do with living our life in a way that feels good to us. Right? Not everything that happens to us is the thing that we want most or that we like, all the time. And there’s a certain amount of stuff that we all have to deal with at any given point. For one, I’ll make the argument that we can limit those to as little of that as we need in our time. And then to how we navigate it, when it does happen of those smaller number of times, then improves our experience of it, putting back the power in our hands. And anytime that we can reclaim our personal power anywhere, it behooves us to do so because our personal power is the electric, you know, circuit that we plug our manifestation and our creative capacity into it’s the it’s kind of the source right of our internally. And then where do we plug in after that. So when we do this type of work, and we liberate more of our personal power for us, then the relationships, the feelings, the money, the clients, the impact all come and stem from that, which most of us aren’t. So that’s why we got to talk about it. Alright, so a couple things before we start. So our two day event in Dallas is coming up very, very soon, really excited about it, August 23, and 24th. Check out the show notes for a link to that. And you can see how much is included in that. So two days of intense transformations, all around habits. So if you’re someone that has struggled with habits in the past, then we highly encourage you to check it out and come on over is price very, very reasonably and low for a full two day event. And that is because we feel very passionate about helping people with habits specifically, and making sure that more of us are resource to do the things we want to do in our life and not do the things that we don’t right to actually live out our identity in a way that feels good. Number two announcement I’m very, very, very excited about it is that we will move on to our sponsors needed as a company, they are an amazing brand. And it’s it started with ladies who were noticing that a bunch of people like 97% of people are on something like a multivitamin and, and supplementation and a bunch of people, 90 fibers that were in New Jersey nutrient deficient. And between the start of that realization and the that is the company that came out that sells high quality supplements that are formulated to have the dosing and the types of formulations of the minerals and vitamins that actually make them absorbable by the body, right. And we do a lot of talking here on the hands on being an environment that when you put high quality things into you can actually utilize and of course, we can never lose sight of the fact that what we put in has to be high quality well thought out and well formulated to begin with. And so we tend to be very very picky about podcast monitors. We don’t have a lot as I’m sure you’ve noticed here. And that is because we are looking for companies that not only scientifically are doing the right thing but also intentionality why this company is one that support the world in the way that it can function more loving, you know, being a B Corp being Climate Neutral certified. We care about supporting companies that are doing the right thing, that kind of thing for the environment, and to see all of us when the company is the people and the world at large. And so that is why we have I first started sponsorship with them. I’ve been using the supplements all over the summer. And so I have been vetting them out, and I am loving them more to come on this. But check out this is neda.com down in the show notes. And if you missed it, you will get a percentage off your order. So definitely check that out. We there are very few supplement companies that we really can globally back, right. Other than that, most of you have heard on this podcast, I gotta go parse out one by one. But there are some companies and luckily, we are able to find them that are across the board, amazingly formulated supplements and in with that coupon code, it certainly makes it very, very reasonable to try them out. So check those out. And we’re so excited to have them. Alright, so back to let’s talk about conflict. Conflict. I was recently, I’ve recently been on a relationship book, binder. That’s obviously not the only types of books I’m reading. But I do read a lot. I listen on Audible a lot. And that means I can go through several books a week and get to read a bunch of stuff. So one of the books that I was reading, and had lost on conflict, right, and it was about fighting, and it was about how to fight fighting fair. But as part of the introduction on conflict, there was a statement that I heard that impacted me a lot. Now I’m going to paraphrase the way that I the way that I formulate that statement, because that’s really what the podcast episode is about. But, and this is not a concept like the book was not selling it as they had come up with this concept. They were just sharing it. So same, same as here. And basically the concept once I heard it, I was like, Oh, I can see why this has been talked about through generations. And I don’t know how far back but it said something along the lines of complex is the price that we paid for intimacy. And I was like, huh, how fascinating because in my mind, conflict stood in the way of intimacy in some ways. And so I have lived a life largely with the assumption that I want as little conflict as possible so that I could get to the good font intimacy, and my most important relationships, or you know, really all of them and however much as the I decide is appropriate for that. So to have that statement, the reason it hits so hard is because it flipped that concept on its head. Now, once I started thinking about it, I was like, you know, it’s been many years since I’ve really thought that conflict is bad. Because anytime that I have had conflicts with people I love and then successfully navigated conversations. At the end of the day, when both people come back on the same page, there is a love and a safety and a dedication and commitment present in a relationship where two people are both willing to do that level of work and to choose to come back together. And knowing that you just navigated that with someone you love. Feels good, right? It, it puts a level of security into the relationship that says we can withstand some crap happening and still come out on the other side good together. And the more that we do that, the more that we demonstrate that this is not a fluke is just something that we can, in fact do and is a hallmark of our relationships. So that’s cool. I had already kind of had that aha. And yet, with the merging of the remnants of a perfectionist, approach melee No, I had that very strongly past that’s been something I’ve worked on over the years, it still sometimes lifts his head back up and says What’s up to me. And this was, I realized, this is how it was still playing out. I had had all the positive conflict experiences of overcoming them and seeing the benefit that happens. And yeah, I was still saying if I limit conflict, if I get it down to zero, then nothing will stand between me and intimacy it will be perfect. So what’s the deal lead conflict is the price to pay for end and basically once I heard that it was it How’d it get in my head very clearly, for one, I saw that perfectionism for what it is, is an unattainable thing where two people who grew up entirely different have different beliefs have different experience, learn different things from parents, for two people in any relationship to come together. It’s first of all, unreasonable to think that conflict wouldn’t exist. So for one, me thinking, that doesn’t do me any favors in terms of setting myself up for success by say, Everything’s gonna be hunky dory forever. And then it’s not guess how I feel when I get there. And it’s not, I’m sad, I’m bummed. I’m frustrated. I’m blaming myself guilt, whatever, right. And so these are the things that we need to anything that comes up repetitively like that. And there’s a reality or an occurrence that is not jiving with how we’re looking at it, we got to make it match. And now this was one of my opportunities to see that around, where I still has limitations for conflict. So if we look at it as the price to pay for intimacy, then I started thinking, I thought, well, it’s very true. We all have gates along the way for intimacy is like, firstly, are you going to say hello to this person? Are you going to strike up a conversation? Are you going to go to dinner? Are you going to follow them up? Are you going to marry them? There’s all these different layers of us. And as people get closer, they go through the gates and we either open them up or we keep them closed. As we get closer, through the initial gate, and towards the middle and towards someone center of who they are, the gates tend to be harder to move through. As in, we all have walls based on what has happened to us in the past, where, where we’re not as comfortable with that level of intimacy. And yet, this is where as we start to access through those gates and move ourselves more, the merging of two individuals, at those deeper levels, where a bunch of gates are open, and you’re walking in towards the center of someone, that is where things are guarded. And because things are guarded conversations can pop out in the form of conflict to figure out these discrepancies. And to figure out where people’s lines are, where is that game? Right? When I deliver a complaint to a partner? Have they heard a lot of critical criticism in the past? Are they likely to play complaints and a criticism kind of complaint services? I criticism starts with you often. So if they hear that right, you might be at a very inside gate, and then unknowingly deliver a statement that then triggers a conflict and the way that it is perceived? That is the opportunity to open or close that gate, right? If someone has a history of being criticized? How does looking at conflict and the way of how does this conflict help the person open up their gate to me and for me, to allow them to do so to create a safe, secure place to open up that gate? That is how I prove that I am someone that through this conflict, it is worth continuing this process of intimacy with Me, because the way that I will do it will take care of you along the way, right? If I conflict fairly, if I fight kindly, if I communicate courageously and vulnerably, about what it brings up in me, that is how the most direct way I demonstrate that I am safe to cross that gate and vice versa, right? If someone bumps up against the boundaries that I have that keeps me protected, and separate from somebody else. That of course keeps me safe, but limits the connection that I have with them as they approach that boundary and bounce off of it. The way that we both look at conflicts and the way that we honor it as a process to get some more intimacy will often be the reason that you get to be more intimate, right conflict allows you to show your hands and who you are, and to prove so to say it’s not really that you’re proving anything but we all take evidence of actions and things right. If you can see conflict as Oh, I just found a boundary and what happens next determines how I’m much we can move towards each other moving forward, then conflict becomes a really powerful tool. And if you think about it, as long as you are not in conflict about just meaningless crap. If you are in a relationship where you’re both willing to be honest about the bumping up of the boundaries, and kind of time control conflict, that might just look like a short conversation that maybe isn’t the most feel that thing, but it’s just a short, quick, what do you mean? Oh, I meant this. Ooh, yeah, this, this is what has happened to me in the past, I guess I kind of triggered that. Oh, I’m sorry, I hear you like, what can I do to support that right now? What do you need, as you have those conversations doesn’t even have to be a big deal. But essentially, the more they any partnership is willing to do that, the faster the intimacy will be established. Which is awesome, right? Because it means that in authenticity, you can have a very meaningful relationship with someone really relatively rapidly. And to intentionally use things that don’t merge as a way to say, in having this conversation, or in having this interaction, what does this tell me about who you are? What does it tell me about who I am and who I want to be moving forward, and allows us to make the choices to make our tone of voices or in a way to use kind words, to explain ourselves, to ask for things, even if we don’t feel good enough for them? Those kinds of things, then, instead of being scary, and there’s like, okay, so complex that now I have to be brave and be vulnerable with the scary so now it’s badness and badness. If you’re thinking in that way, how likely are you to experience negative feelings really high? And with those negative crummy feelings? How likely are you to go into this lovely, intentional, well thought out interaction to resolve the conflict, much less likely? I’m not saying it can’t happen. It’s just the odds are not in our favor here. But when instead we say, Oh, we’re having conflicts, and that means that we’re negotiating intimacy right now. That’s good. So then, with that good feeling of this awareness, where we’re winning it right now, how do I want to come out this? How do I want to interact with this positive thing happening to me, or at least neutral? You know, it’s, it’s not the best, but it’s doing something good. So what comes out until a wise, often from that place, people think more rationally, they can perceive the situation with more clarity. And they can really act from even triggered, even emotionally charged. People can have conversations that lead to closeness that leads that connection that lead to the awareness that I’m not perfect. I’m seeing in real time you aren’t either. And I choose to love you anyways, I choose to move towards you anyways. And then when that happens, research circularly over time, well, it’s hard for either person to feel unloved, unseen, unsupported, unknown, you know, like, those things don’t then tend to happen. So that is what I wanted to talk about conflict today between masculine and feminine, especially the complex when we see it that way. And as we move forward, I want to talk about how to fly and kind of the more practical aspects of this but right now, one thing that if you have are someone that’s kind of like me, who has had a lot of nervousness and conflict or felt like it was wrong or anything like that, that is where I invite you to journal with the simple journal prompts of what does conflict mean to me? What have I made conflict means? What happens in my body when I’m in conflict with myself or with others? What kind of thoughts are habitual for me? When I’m in conflict, or I imagine being in conflict, or I have to bring up conflict to somebody that I love? What happens with my emotions when I think those thoughts? What other emotions do I experience and what other thoughts match those are they’re ones that I like more or they’re more appropriate ones that allow me to be true to who I am on the thought level, and still feel better emotionally. Right, there’s lots of thoughts out in the world, which ones are you going to land on? And variously, how are you? What do you intend with those relationships? What do you intend in conflict? Whether you intend in all relationships, right? What is the highest purpose of goodness and badness happening to us? These, this topic is worth noodling on, is worth parsing out, because anytime there’s the potential for missing an opportunity for personal power, most people are pretty dang bummed out not to take it. So this is one of those things that you can really take to heart and just simply journaling on it and saying what’s up? I’ll say it again, because I say it all the time. But knowing what you’re working with is 50% of the hard stuff. There are resources for everything out in this world, it’s just a matter of finding them. So once you have the view, the clarity of what you’re dealing with, the resolution is a hop and a skip away. And honestly, that is the easier half of the 50% than that first one of really even getting to the awareness of something. So once you do that, you are rapidly approaching to be coming home free. So that is a very exciting thing. And that means that conflict does not have to be something that you’re anxious about or something that bothers you, or something that really has to be problematic in the future. Pretty cool, right? All right. So check out the today make sure you get signed up. You are still welcome to come even though soon. Reach out to us. If there’s any questions, and then check out this is anita.com for our fun new sponsors. We’re so excited to have them and we’re really excited for you to check them out. Right sending you lots of love. We’ll catch you next time.