Distance Between Masculine and Feminine

Today’s topic is about the distance between masculine and feminine, and why it is often the determining factor for relationships. In this episode, Dr. Alex also talks about communication as the basis of relationship problems.

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Podcast Transcript:

Dr. Alex Golden  

Welcome to the zesty ginger podcast. We are Megan and Dr. Alex. We are here for transformation. Yours, ours and the collective, personal and professional for practitioners. But not just any transformation, compassionate transformation. Because between the two of us, we have seemed to have done things the painful way. Let our pitfalls become your stepping stones. We aren’t afraid to share our raw and vulnerable truths in order to help you transform your thinking, your body, your heart and your soul. Combining 15 years of functional medicine, with brain based habit change to lead you to the best life possible in a compassionate way. Compassion, yes, yet plan to roll up your sleeves. transformation requires your participation. And a quick reminder, this information is not meant to diagnose, manage or treat disease. Always consult with your doctor, not this doctor before making changes. Now let’s get into the episode. Hello, and welcome to the podcast. So happy to have you here I am Dr. Alex. And great news at the time that I’m recording this, I just got off the phone with Megan who is back from summer break with her family on the way right now. And it’s always such a fun reminder, when I talked to her and hearing the lowdown and stuff. Now granted, we talk over the summer intermittently, but there’s obviously not as much because she is in the woods. There’s not a lot of reception. And it was such a good reminder when I’m happy to have her back but to I felt so much gratitude for the fact that we get to do stuff like this, like Megan has a family. From the moment that we started working together our understanding and business was that one of Megan’s main goals was to do this. Because if we’re like if we want to create an impact in the world, that changes the way people think and relate to one another and bring more peace and joy to the place. One of the aspects of that was going to be doing it in the way that we wanted and needed to do it. And that was one of the things we said. And what’s awesome, is that we actually get to live it now. Right? It’s like it’s actually happening. And one other reason that I feel so happy about this is not big. I mean, I don’t do it, right. So this literally has nothing to do with me. But one of the things that for me is such a big deal is the fact that people will feel bad about choosing to do things in the way that you do it. And as leaders, no matter what that leadership expression is like, no matter what topic you lead on, whether it’s your family or other people. The the ability to say that I will deviate from quote normal to do things differently, is to me the hallmark of a leader, right? Because if we listen to other people and copy exactly what they do, there is no point in anyone following us, because we’re just the middleman. Why wouldn’t they go to the source of the person you got it from and follow them? Right? Learn from them, do the thing, whatever. So by conforming, by feeling bad for deviating by playing small as I’m not a leader, good enough leader compared to this person, so let me do what they say. And there’s nothing wrong with learning for people. In fact, that is important. But when it becomes pathological and crosses over into I can’t deviate from that. We actually rob us of our own leadership. And so when we fight for these things to happen, and even if we hear the mental Gremlins in our head going, Oh, this is different. What will people think Bah, blah, blah, getting resources to address those things is paramount because really, at the end of the day, that fight that you have within, between you and the mental Gremlins in the voices that you’ve heard and the things that you’ve been taught to believe, under the surface, or maybe not even electively those fighting those things in and being willing to have that. Have the perseverance to come out on top of that and say, despite those things, this is who I am. This is how I want to act. This is how I want to see myself in the world. And then those are the things that actually liberate us. Anything that we overcome, that gets us more of I can be who I am. And that is the magic that I bring to the world. And my good intentions are to use that for good. That is an unbreakable, positive prospect there. The way that the universe is set up is kind of like a neighborhood, right. So when we’re really low vibrational, we’re surrounded in the neighborhood of other low vibrational things as we elevate ourselves up. That’s where that thinking is. So the ability to persevere the ability to look at life and say, I’m not at the mercy of this, I may not like all this, but I’m going to make choices that I like better, and see them through. That flips the script, it completely turns the problems that we have on their head, and allows us to overcome them in a way that helps us get stronger in the ways that we need, so that we can get more success. So see how in that way, we’re using challenges, to become the kind of person that gets the next thing that we do want. When we see it as something taking away from us, often we don’t get all the goodness of that situation. In order to become and learn those lessons and have the thing now I don’t love the learning lessons part because I don’t think that this is a universe where lessons are delivered like that. But Colloquially speaking, we can kind of say that, understanding that it’s really a game of us and us, right, it’s not a not that kind of game. So that is the that’s kind of where we’re at in these SD process. Here we are coming out of summer, we do have our two day August event coming up, which is really exciting. So much fun stuff happening there, you still have time to join. So check out the show notes. And it is for habit transformation, if you are sick of interacting with your habits in that way it’s gonna be where you fall off the wagon, don’t stick with it feel bad about it, these two days are for you. Because we’ve made them really, really accessible, the cost is very low for a whole two day event where you get food and all of our content and all this stuff. So very, very low barrier to entry. And that is because we need more people in the world who feel in control, and are standing as the leader in their own habitual thoughts, actions and beliefs. So all of that, if you’re struggling, there’s an easier way, come to the event. And make sure that make sure that if if you have someone around you, that is struggling with a similar thing, reach out to them, see if they want to come it is a loving thing to help people out and be empathic with resources. That’s often what’s missing. It’s not because people can’t figure it out, they need help with tools to get themselves there. And when they actually use the tools and, and get themselves there, there is a different feeling of confidence and security that people will feel. So this is not just oh, it’s nice to help people with habits. No, really, this is a foundational thing for people and we do invite if you have anybody in your life that would be a good fit for this. If you know that they struggle with this, help them out. Let them know share. And of course, if anyone has any questions, reach out to us, shoot us an email. And we’ll get right back to you. Alright, so let’s take into today’s topic. And today’s topic is about distance between masculine and feminine. This is more of a discussion on the outside expression of masculine feminine, so kind of relationship level stuff. This is echoed internally between the balance of our masculine feminine, but because the process happens in a much more subtle way internally, most people are not ready to have that internal discussion of what that feels like. It takes a lot of self awareness to see it playing out. But what is true is that is much easier to see it playing out in our external relationships, US and other people as opposed to between us and us. Once you get the hang of that. Just know that that’s coming. And that’ll be something that feels really good to you when you have that level of awareness. And no worries. If you’re still getting there. You’re getting there. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s fairly high level. So with with maths and feminine when we’re talking about distance this says something that, really at the end of the day, this, what I’m going to describe is often the determining factor for relationships, going south and ultimately breaking up. For net for today, I think I’d like to just more talk in the realm of romantic relationships, because most people will take this on a one to one interpretation. But really, this, this does play out in all relationships. And it’s something that can slowly poison all relationships, it starts small, it starts slow, but boy does it snowball. So when it comes to relationships, and maintaining closeness between masculine and feminine, there is a the overarching thing that happens is breakdown and communication, leading to a pull back. So let’s kind of break that down. Now that that piece about communication is something that relationship experts and researchers have studied for actually a really long time. So there’s people with, you know, more. That kind of stuff in the research world, that’s not really what I want to talk about. But you can certainly look that up. I’ve read a lot of great books about it, it’s, it’s cool. So I won’t go into that. But the the breakdown of communication being the basis of relationship problems. That’s what I mean, it has been pointed to time and time again, and is quite a broad subject that’s been studied. But we’re gonna take that, because it’s been decades, right, longer than this awareness arose. Before most of us were listening to the podcasts, even we’re here that we’re gonna presuppose as being true, right as being one of the major drivers. So like communication, just to put words out of the word hole is not what we’re talking about for communication. Communication is the action, the external action of the intentions behind both people. Right, so the communication is only as good as the people saying the things. And the communication is only as good as the people hearing the things being said, and interpreting it. Right. So just because you said the perfect thing to somebody in the most perfect way does not mean that they heard it that way, right. And so communication is a complex interaction, based off choices of who people are being and what they’re choosing to do, because, for example, silence, the absence of communication is very, very loud. Right? The it feels loud, because it creates a vacuum that is attractive to lots and lots of interpretations. Another way of saying that is mental Gremlins, you say Hey, honey, look, this awesome thing that I found, made me really excited. And they have hardly look and they’re like, Oh, that’s nice. And they go back to doing what they were doing. Right? Did you get a response? Yes. Did they turn their head? Yes. Maybe? Did you feel that they, they felt the excitement that you felt perceived it and responded in the way that you wanted to hear? That’s one and also when we’re coming up? Someone’s saying Hey, are we considering the state of them? And what we’re putting those words into the environment of them hearing our message, what is that doing and part to this communication? What happens throughout this process? Is that some some games you win some games you lose. And interestingly enough, not even that is the topic of their conversation here is actually what happens next. So communication issues, or lack of communication, which is to say very loud choices to not connect with someone which is hella loud. What actually happens next is often times and this is the we’re describing the track of masculine and feminine relationships that widen and distance is created between them and talking about how that happens so that we can see that and make the choice not to if that’s not what we’re choosing. So when, when we respond, let’s say, we have a bed for attention to our partner, whether you’re masculine or feminine, it does not matter. But you’re starting with one, then you have a bed for attention, and or connection. The other person Miss misery that doesn’t see it ignores it is too busy to notice whatever, and they don’t. So what happens next, this is where we’re talking about the internal stuff really. Inside, we actually have a couple choices. And the two notable ones are, and number one, it’s notable because it’s most common for people is that ooh, I feel a sense of rejection. From that event, my bed for attention and connection was not met. Therefore, I feel negatively about that. The content of the mental Gremlins is individual to many of us, but lots of us have similar ones, right? They don’t really love me, I’m a little too much, I’m being annoying. They don’t really care about me, our relationship has lost all the spark. We are, we love each other, but we’re not in love. Right. And then from those thoughts, we have emotions. And if you’re regular, all human, most of us have the track out the pattern, which is not surprising at all, you think thoughts that are negative, and you experience negative emotional states from that, of, if it’s true that I’m annoying, and he’s rejecting me, then feeling rejected and bad about that, from your most more most intimate partner? Then feels terrible. not that surprising of a thing, right? Interestingly, so we’re going mental body, then we went to emotional body, what happens next, then, is the thing that most people miss. So energetically, that state where the thoughts match the motions, matching the physical body’s response, I’m hurt, I feel the pain in my chest, my eye made me feel heaviness, and my shoulders are rounded, my legs feel heavy and tingly at the bottom, whatever now that that congruency happens, spiritual body responds, and the spiritual body is the template for all the other bodies. And it’s a bidirectional St. The template is telling the other three and the other three refer things back to the template, not unlike the brain and the body working together, getting keeping track everything getting things normalized. In the spiritual body, then there tends to be a closing off of the energy towards that person. So when we’re happy with our loved one, when we are feeling good about ourselves, and we’re in a good mood, good thoughts, good emotions, we’re chillin, then we are open to them. And the connection, the flow of information between you is flowing. And because there’s no blockages in that, and because it is positivity, for the most part, that feels good to us. Both people are participating in that connection, when we go through the process that I just described, and the end result is to close off. Now that blockage in the energy flow between the people is changed. Oftentimes, that happens that the closing the overall impact if there was like a, a bar graph, like in a video game where, you know, you have like a big bar, you have lots of lives and health left. And as things happen to you, the health bar goes down, we can imagine it kind of like that, with instances that close off your energy field in response to what just happened internally to you from the interaction. That bar I kind of see it as it chunks down 1% And maybe if it’s something really hurtful, or really impactful, or is on a subject that is really sensitive, maybe it knocks it down 5% Maybe it knocks it on 7%. What happens after that is that the person on the receiving end Whether intentional They’re not. And consciously or not, or subconsciously picks up in the lowering of that 1% or the 5%. So then they say, because what they might have just been busy last and thought still doing work stuff. So when you made that bid for connection and attention, they it’s not that they didn’t care, like you told yourself, they were just busy and distracted. Maybe they’re not supposed to be busy and distracted anymore. But they just happened to be in that moment. And now they’re like, Man, I had a long day, I feel this pressure from my boss. There’s all these bills that our family has, there’s things that I need to take care of. There’s life insurance to get and mortgages to pay for and investments to track and yeah, the economy. And now’s a good time to do that. There’s lots of things that I’m considering it’s all very stressful. This impacts the college funds and impacts the future retirement account, right. And all of a sudden, whoa, there’s a whole lot more underneath the surface, then they just don’t care about you, or they don’t care about and responding to the thing that you’re excited about. Right. So here they are in their reality, and they feel that push and pull back. Ooh, well, gosh, she’s that’s random. Seems like she pulled back a little bit. Most people do the exact same thing. Right? So they pull back a little. Now it’s another percent. Or if it’s bad, another five. And then there you go, the the connection is now at best. Now we’re only at 98 potential, you can get to 100%. anymore from this No. Can you Yes, eventually, you can’t, you can backtrack out of this. But most people, I’m describing what happens when they don’t, they fail to recognize that and now 98% is what you have. Now let’s do this day in and day out. I had the expectation that because we had a busy week, we were going to spend time with each other over the weekend. Well, she made plans with friends and has work stuff and who’s going to take the kids to the thing, there’s no more time for me, she must not care, right? You don’t have the communication to clear any of that up. Now that takes it down another couple percent. He goes back, she feels it pulls back. Now the relationships at 92%. Now that’s the connection when things are good is that 90, the good is 95 when the awesome intimacy and the vulnerability and the Whatever comes, that’s often where people stop because they say, I don’t want to put down the walls that made it 92%. Right, and 95 or 98? I don’t want to let those down. Because that hurt me when you did that. Now, is it an accurate view of what happened? Often? The answer is no. But does it feel very valid to the person Yes. And that’s why they’re like, you only get this much trust now. You only get so much communication from me, only so much vulnerability, only so much openness. So see how it’s changeable. But just unless you mean it and are thinking about it, less likely to happen. Because what you thought happened, that was valid, you actually think happened. So it’s not like he made that up. So of course you’re gonna act from that place. So then it keeps going, and it keeps going. So in the beginning, there is a positivity bias, you assume that the person is doing things from the best of intentions, even if they don’t do it right. Once that progress bar, the relationship wants to connect to connection possibility hits a certain level that might be 70%. For some couples that might be 50. That might be 20. If you’re real tolerant. Once that hits a certain level, people tend to switch to having a negativity bias where you already there’s so little room for connecting on that level, that the overarching assumption is that the other person does not have the best of intentions for you. And really at that point, once that switch gets flipped, it is a hot minute skip away from the relationship. Crumbling now, the crumble can take a really long time. If you’re stubborn, it can be very short it can be it can be a number of things, but the crumble is still the crumble because it was the pullback was the poison. The pullback was and the lack of resolution If that was the reason that that all happened. And because the opera did the door is just closing and closing and closing and closing, eventually, it is not hard to understand or imagine how it gets to actually closing once and for all. And as someone who has been divorced, I can certainly say that this is all how I have experienced that as well. And it was not fun. Now, what, what does it take them to decrease that distance, when you start out with a fresh 100% pair? It is easier in some ways, but only if you in turn have changed enough to attract a different kind of partner than your old one. And I can say that from personal experience here as well. Right? Otherwise, people attract a very similar kind of thing, and wonder why it didn’t get better. So that’s, that’s one. But we can, even when we have closed, we can reopen and reconnect with people that we are already in relationship with things have gone, maybe the bars that 60% or whatever. And to open that back up. Now opening it back up is not really any different than any other kind of transformation that we talk about. And so it has really similar tenants of it. At the end of the day, when we create distance based off Miss communicating and making assumptions, and believing in our own expectations as the truth for somebody else, not just for us, then we we get stuck in misunderstandings that don’t even accurately portray the truth of what’s happening. So for one, when people are upset, or people are talking to their partners, listening to the message, and not listening to what how the message comes out, is a really great place to start opening back up. Because if someone says, Oh, where are my keys, again, you always move on when you’re cleaning. I hate that. And you’re like, I didn’t even touch their keys. I haven’t even seen them with the overlying problem sounds like you move my keys, and then their response can be no iden you’re the one that loses your keys, and now you have a fight on your hands. Or you can look at the underlying problem which they need their keys. And it’s probably not about you. And so Oh, okay. Where did you last see them? When did you last drive? Where, where where worried? You know that just addressing the actual problem? And oftentimes people are like, Oh, well, I was yeah, I definitely. You know, when they find them in their pants, it is abundantly clear you did not move them right. But is that a fight that you need to have to go defend yourself? And that comes from closeness to prove? No, I’m right. I need these walls up. See how you treat me? Instead of being like, yeah, okay, the, they’re kind of in a mood. But when I help them find their keys, and they see it’s not about me, then they’re like, oh, sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to snap at you. Like I obviously had them. Now you’re closer back. So this is where we, for one for communication. When things are bad already. Being the person that’s willing to do this, it takes a lot of courage, a lot of strength. And it also means that you can single handedly turn around a relationship. And that’s cool about relationships. Because often we’re like, well, we’re powerless, it involves another person. But if the other person isn’t part responding to you, you can change a lot of it. Ultimately, that may not change the outcome of something happening. Like for example, the way I did divorce stuff. I made it better. And ultimately, at the end of the day, we both agree that there were things that went pretty good there. Right? Did our relationship Thrive afterwards? No, we still weren’t a great fit from what you know, values and what we wanted in life. But to to break up with love and kindness and care for each other is a very different experience. Right? So that’s what I mean by that outcome and experience being different. And if you know, to for me, it was what’s the That’s for everyone. He’s thriving, you know what I mean? And so and so am I, but then that is not, that’s not the point of this. I’m kind of like the he’s, he’s great now, right? And I celebrate the fact that we were kind enough to each other to know what was going to work or not. And to really show up for it. And so that healed the relationship now, was it in the way I thought or whatever? No, it wasn’t. But do I have a friendship and, and a person that’s very important to me that we can come to each other and stuff. Yeah. And I, I value that I love that. I mean, I am so proud of us, too. And so oftentimes, people are scared of that reality. They’re like, if I start talking and automatically means we break up, but what I’m putting to you here as this as a thing to noodle on, is that not doing it means that that will what you fear will be inevitable. But if you have the courage to actually open up and say, This is how I perceived it, is that what you meant, and then they say no, and you actually believe them? If that’s the case. And you say, Okay, I want to open back up. Usually, in those moments where I’m feeling the resistance of it, I will breathe into my heart space I breathe, I put my shoulders back, I might do a little, little put like a back stretch, put my arms behind my back, just stretch my back a little bit to open the front of my chest, open my heart. And that, to me is a physical reminder that I’m like, I love this person. I choose to be here, I am going to despite the hurt despite perceived rejection, despite fear of judgment, when I’m being vulnerable, I’m going to open my heart, and I’m going to have the courage to say what it is true, or what I’m thinking or am perceiving anyways. That choice, and the choice to see it through is the way you demolish the walls you built. Right? That’s the only Sledgehammer I know, that takes the walls back apart once they’re erected, without having to, you know, piece out of that relationship and start over with somebody else. And oftentimes, in the beginning, the reason that people shy away from that, is because in the beginning, it’s like cleaning out a closet that’s been overstuffed. It looks overwhelming. It looks messy. It’s a lot of conversations, a lot of communication is a lot of figuring stuff out. It’s a lot of negotiating. It’s a lot of being like, I think this oh gosh, really, I thought no one in the world would think that that’s stupid. And then you’re like lo and behold, you were thinking at the whole time. So then you got to renegotiate that you got to figure out what you both think and come up with a plan to support that and deal with it and whatever it is that it is. So in the beginning, a lot of courage is needed. Because just because we learn something like this, and we open up does not mean that the first time or even the 15th time, we try things in a new way that the person is just going to be like okay, let’s do this. Now. I’m totally set, right? Just the same way we had to be ready to hear something and those of you who are not ready to hear this will be like she’s crazy. This is dumb podcast episode and you’ll go on your way guaranteed and I don’t take offense to that. Cool that’s not where you are. The but anyone who is right, we have to account for just because we flip the switch doesn’t mean they did. And so the the ability to persevere and be vulnerable and authentic with our loved ones. To me that comes down to hardwiring some sort of habit around why you’re doing this why is this a habit? Why is this part of your identity? Why are you doing this and because the identity which we act from if we are so if we become and choose to become so stable in that that is the most powerful place where we can do this. We will persevere for way longer. We will have way more courage to do the things that we want to do. We will put ourselves out there in ways that would scare the crap out of us before and now we go and do it. And what’s cool about it is that when you do that once, you can do it again and you do it again and you do it again. And it gets easier and easier and easier and easier to say, I’m living the world from who I am. And living in the authenticity of that. If you don’t like it, okay, thank you for sharing your opinion with me. I’m gonna keep doing what I’m doing. Right? Now, this is about authentically, being who you are, this is not annoying actions that you take that you don’t feel like changing, right? We’re, we’re talking about personality, foundational, Soul level decisions, not Well, I don’t care about putting the socks in the laundry, so you shouldn’t get you know what I mean? Like, I’m talking about big values and things like that. But when we practice this, and we allow ourselves to persevere, we do end up fighting and figuring out the things that really matter to us. And the results that we really do want to get, and the things that don’t, because sometimes, it’s scary to admit, for example, in relationships, that we really should be done with it. We don’t want to be alone, we don’t want to do all this stuff is that it’s going to take, we don’t want to face the unknown, we don’t want to have be in a worse financial position than we already are. Right? I want to move my stuff, any and all of it 30 met my parents, my sister likes them. You name it, right. But when we actually act from that place, we can truly see what is for us and what is not. And it’s not in a way where it doesn’t the relationship doesn’t crumble from the rejection and the disconnection and the loss of that percentage going down, down, down, down down, for relationship to peacefully and, and a decision to be made that this is best and be done in a loving way. This is the path to it. Right? This is the intentionality that we need to take experiences that are scary, and are to transition and make them something that we know we can weather and that we can get better from you don’t want to say learn but try and avoid the whole lesson thing. But really, like we learned skills, we learned how to do things we practice, we get all of this stuff. So even if this occurs, it really is always still preserving the expansion that you yourself are experiencing, which of course, the state of you is how you bring in the other results in your life. So if you’re you’re listening, one way to know that something is amiss here is that the things that you want to happen aren’t happening. So that’s a little different than saying you have the full expression of it. But there should be there. When we are moving in this harmonious way. We start to see, I call it the Reese’s Pieces trail like 80. Right? We start to see the results and the small follow up of them, the Inklings that things are coming and the pieces falling into place. So that doesn’t it could still take two years to do whatever it is, right? If it’s a big thing, when I have something that’s like legacy level, I’m thinking it’s gonna be a little bit, but am I seeing wins? Is the money coming in? Are the people showing up? Are the mentors doing their mentee things? Mentorship things? Are the people in line or the feelings in line? Do I am What am I picking up on energetically? Right? And what’s fun about that is that when we live in harmony in the universe, it often means that we’re getting results not in the way that we thought we would. Right people oftentimes listening to this are like I want money. I want to make money in my business. But sometimes what happens is that you aren’t having money from your business because there’s other things still getting worked out there. But you get this check you get this return you get this person you this client pops out of nowhere. This happens your partner gives you money. You’re parent has extra, whatever, right? It actually just backtracks the, it still gets the results, even though you do want a business that makes lots of money and brings in stably for so you can hire people and create jobs and improve the economy and help the world out and all of that that is still true, but the money will show up. Anyways, when we live in this way, when we live connected and open, which is to me when some of the hardest work that we do. This is how we get what we want. And absolutely the most magical way possible, right? Not just the logic that you know, could work. But the magic that you don’t know that you don’t even know. Right. So this is all really, really important stuff to consider. Whether you are partnered up or it looked like it looks like a best friend or family member or whatever, there’s gonna be some aspect of this conversation that applies. And while I’m gonna just end here, I’m going to remind you, breathing into your heart space sounds like, too easy for most people, right? And then when I someone’s upset, and I asked them to do it, they’re like, It’s too hard. I’m not doing it. So I really want you I’m going to challenge you to consider isn’t that it’s too easy, and your brain is telling you it won’t work. Or when you’re pissed off. It feels too hard to get myself there and open my heart. I’m gonna need you to pick one, right? Because otherwise we we get into a fallacy a mental Gremlins, they boxes into a double bind, we teach this in level one and two, if you’re interested, shoot us an email. The the double bind will screw you. Right. And I am the self appointed queen, queen of double bind. So I always recognize them and people. But it is a powerful process to intention intend to open your heart and use your breath, your lifeforce to do that. And in doing so, you’ll see the power that you hold to make choices, and then impact your state and what that does and your behavior and how that impacts things like relationships. Watch, give yourself some time to watch it unfold. I’m not ever asking you to believe me on anything here. All I’m asking is that you consider trying it out for you and experiencing it firsthand. And as always, we love to hear what you think we love to hear what’s going on with you guys. So definitely shoot us a DM or an email. We have all our information in the show notes, click on over there. And we will see you all at the Dallas event can’t can’t can’t wait. Sending you so much love.