How to Quit Your Job & Do Something You Love

Becoming Zesty Podcast guest, FDN practitioner, Carly, shares her rapid transformation story, revealing her takeaways for listeners to apply to their own lives. She also shares about her journey from being a teacher to an FDN practitioner and life coach.

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Podcast Transcript:

Megan Blacksmith  

Hello, everybody. Welcome back. Welcome to the becoming zesty podcast. I have an amazing guest here with me, Carly. Hi, Carly. Hi, Carly is an FDN practitioner, like myself are quite the mirror for each other, and an NLP Master Practitioner. And we wanted to feature Carly here today because she has been such an amazing example of what rapid transformation looks like. This is someone who came into an event, one of our seven day event as a teacher, and laughed to announce not too long after that she was going to completely change her career. So what we do in our world is success leaves clues. So we can ask people, What were they thinking? What are they feeling? What were they doing? How did they make transformation transformation that fast. So I want you to be listening along to Carly’s story and to those turning points so that you can apply this to your life. And if everyone could grab one takeaway from today’s episode, tag us on social media will have Karlie Instagram and ours is at becoming zesty. Now. Grab, send us a screenshot of your biggest takeaway or share a video or email us poor SSD ginger.com however you’d like to get us that information. We know if there’s just one thing that you got from today, then you could change your life, you can have something different. So let’s do this. So Carly, welcome. We’re so happy you’re here.

Carly  

I’m glad to be here.

Megan Blacksmith  

So okay, tell me a little bit about So you came into when we met you, you were a teacher, tell us how you got into teaching. And then how did you know? Did you know? You wanted to change that career for a while or what was going on there?

Carly  

Um, okay, so how I got into teaching is I always loved kids, like I was a babysitter, I was a mother’s helper. I was a camp counselor. And I went to college actually for as an English major. And then I transitioned into being a fine arts major. I went to college just to join a sorority and have but I didn’t go to college to learn. But somewhere along the lines, I realized I can learn about whatever I want to learn about. And so I switched to being a fine arts major. I love doing art. And actually, after I graduated college, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I had also taken a lot of psychology courses and social, social like my courses on like social development and things like that. So that all really interested me. And I did take one or two classes and education, but my mom was a teacher. And all of her friends are teachers and I didn’t want to become a teacher because other people were teachers and I wanted to do something very different. And so I ended up finding a job at Bloomingdale’s just working retail. And I was pretty good at sales and they were moving me up pretty fast with that. And I was like oh, okay, maybe I’ll be a buyer like the buyers are pretty cool, pretty cool job. And somewhere along the lines, I just realized that I just was not in alignment with me to be I was like seeing behind the scenes of what we were upselling how certain merchandise was being made at different factories and then shipped to different stores at different price points and it just was not aligning with me ain’t trying to force people to buy things that they didn’t actually want or need. And I just, I don’t know if something in me was like, well, teaching is something that people actually need. And they need more educators that are in it, because they, they have the child in mind and the whole child. And so I did go back to school, and I went to get my master’s degree, and I was really passionate about about childhood development. And that was the part that I was really fascinated by like how children develop and the developmental stages and appropriate education and hands on experiences. And so then I became really determined to be that teacher who provides those kids those experiences. And yeah, so I went into teaching, I was extremely passionate, very eager, very green wanted to prove myself and I did prove myself. And I quickly realized, actually, when I was student teaching, that it was the gifted students that I found, okay, so it was like both ends of the spectrum. But the gifted students were the ones that I’ve really enjoying working with, because they’re the ones that like, you can kind of run with their own ideas, they come up with the ideas, and then you start to help to foster them. And then it’s like a whole project thing. So I ended up getting certified to teach gifted students, and then I transitioned into becoming the teacher of gifted students. And that led me to like, I was in teaching for 12 years. And just at some point, it was like, all the things that I was enjoying that teaching, were slowly starting to kind of get stripped away from me. And yeah, other things, too, with my personal life when I was just like, I don’t want to do this anymore.

Megan Blacksmith  

So you had an inkling coming into training like this, I’m ready for a shift and sounds like from knowing you, Carly, it’s like you’re still a teacher. It’s just not have small children have inner children? Yes, a teacher of the inner children. So what was it that that have allowed you to make that flip in your mind that you’re like, now it’s actually time to change my career, because there’s a lot of people who will reach out to us and I’m like, oh, and I know, for me, I was in engineering, and I like, wanted to leave. And I waited till I actually got the boot. Right, and other people will make the jump. And that’s what we’re really hoping for people is that they make the jump when they’re ready not versus waiting for, you know, things to crumble. But what was it for you that allowed you to be like, I can make this jump now.

Carly  

There was a few things. So one of the things was that I switched schools and I had gotten to the school that I’ve been, I’ve been wanting to work at all along, and really enjoyed it there. Like I really resonated with the community, the kids, it was just exactly the school that I wanted to be at. Um, I had to put the teaching gifted students aside. But then I was also like, able to interview and get a position for gifted for the following year. So I was at that school for a year and then interviewed for the gifted position for the following year. But there was like a track playing in my mind of the of the switching the schools, this is great. But just the projecting of this as being my life, for the next 20 years, just, I was pushing that voice down, and it kept coming back up. And that was really like masking it and kind of fighting and stepping trying so hard to be the teacher that I was when I was in the top of my career and super passionate and it was still getting the results. But I was coming home exhausted and depleted and lacking any type of motivation to really create the experiences for the kids that I used to love creating the parts of it that I love doing. And then one of the really so I was already kind of in the back of my mind, that stuff was happening me my friend were really into functional health. And we were I was doing stuff now with functional health as a client. And so I hadn’t been my friend kept talking about it, we’re like, it’d be fun to go into functional health. like it’d be fun to do stuff like that. But like not really believing it. Like I was like, I’m gonna be a hobby. And then I got diagnosed with Hashimotos. And I just saw this future of uncertainty and I happen to be in a flare up at the time and not being able to just like go to the bathroom when I want to go to the need to go to the bathroom and being able to take off from work when I need to take off from work and I just had this feeling of taking care of myself is my priority right now. And I can’t do that while I’m taking care of 60 other little people who really need me more than I need myself and then I was like wait, no, I need myself more. Because somebody else though there’s always going to be somebody else. There’s always going to be some I can’t put that on myself that if I leave nobody else who wants it or is in the better mindset at that point in time will step in So that was part of the process. And then other things like the gifted position that I had been gone after, and was going to have got kind of lost the funding literally days before school started the following school year. And in the back of my mind, I was like, Oh, well, I don’t know if I really wanted that anyway, I don’t think I want to teach anyway. And it was really the first time I was admitting those thoughts to myself and realizing that this is actually probably an opportunity. And instead of forcing, and fighting for the thing that I don’t even know if I want because like what comes after that. There’s, there’s got to be differently, as I remember sitting at the back to school staff meeting, and I loved the people that I worked with. But one of the things was, that had kind of been planted, in my mind was the look around and find the people that you aspire to be and align yourself with them. And I was looking around, and it wasn’t that I didn’t like I didn’t want any of the positions. I didn’t want to be the principal of the school. I didn’t think there was no more up for me to go. And I, I just I like to go up. I like to level up. And I just wanted, so yeah, so that was that was really one of the biggest culminating moments.

Megan Blacksmith  

Oh, that’s so good. So you’re looking around and your I heard two things, your future pacing, like, in 20 years, if I continue on this, and then looking around being like, I don’t even I don’t even want any of this position. So where would I be going here? Let’s go. Okay, so once you made that decision, was that an easy switch?

Carly  

Um, okay, so not until I actually made that decision. So I didn’t really make the decision until I was at your level one, certification training. Until then, I was sort of playing like playing house, you know, in my mind, I signed up for the certifications sometime in August, or July, maybe of last year of 2022. And even then I was like, well, this would be a fun hobby. And I can use the FDN stuff on myself and my friends. And and then I can use, like the NLP languaging and stuff with my with myself again and with my students. And then there was a part of me that was like, Well, what if this could be a career? And then so then I started with a two year goal. And then it became a one year goal. And then I was at the training. And I was like, Well, what if this is like, in two weeks?

Megan Blacksmith  

And she gave her two weeks notice? Yeah.

Carly  

And it’s funny, because at the training, I was like, I’m gonna give four weeks I was like, I’ll give them till November, which is Thanksgiving break, because I was really like, that’s what seems felt fair for them. And it was the day we came back from the training. It was Saturday, Sunday, and I was in bed a Sunday night. And I was like, I know, this is a two week decision. I just, I cannot do this anymore. It’s like once you once you realize what you’re up against, and you realize you could just stop fighting against it, it becomes so much harder to fight against it. And then I just realized, like, I don’t need to fight this anymore. This isn’t my battle to fight.

Megan Blacksmith  

So you realized you had a choice? Yes. And then at that point, you’re like, oh, wait, I’m making this choice every day.

Carly  

Yeah, it was kind of like this is a choice where I get to put myself first.

Megan Blacksmith  

It was not new for you currently.

Carly  

Yes. You do it for the kids. You’re teaching for the kids. It’s all about the kids. And who was I to be the person who says I don’t have it in me to be fighting for the kids anymore, is what it really felt like I was saying,

Megan Blacksmith  

right, because then I’d be putting myself first. Yeah. Okay. And then in that process, so you became an FDN. So what what led you to that? So I know that the Hashimotos seems like a big part of the story, if you want to share a little bit about how that led into you deciding to actually become an FTM versus just hiring one.

Carly  

Oh, so I did hire one before I knew I had Hashimotos. So I was in a like an online workout group. So I was in a circle with the person who hosted the online group whose Kylene is an SDN. And so I was sort of exposed to that world just do her own marketing that I happen to catch online and things like that. But, but that was like for six years, like I knew her for six years. And I was just like, I’m, I was curious about doing the DI mat for a while, which is the stool test, which where you find out like the bacteria and stuff that’s in your poop. that intrigued me for a while, like years, that was intriguing. I remember reaching out to her, I think, like four years ago about that. But at some point, once I switched from one school to the other, and I still kind of hadn’t reclaimed this inner motivation and drive. And I had gotten to a place where I was feeling really flat, and I was on antidepressants, and I was still feeling flat. And so I talked to my doctor and he’s like, a lot could be pretty strong. And I had this intuitive hit. Like, if I’m feeling flat. When I’m on this medication, it’s probably not serving a purpose anymore. And that was really empowering because when I called my doctor about it, he’s like, Well, that sounds like you’re probably ready to come off of them. So that definitely was a big moment was realizing what I was suspecting was backed by him. And so I did come off of those. And that is about, still about five or six months now I was at the new school, I was fostering kittens. And I was enjoying working. And I’d come home, and I couldn’t get myself to really do much of anything. And it was really this, this missing link of the motivation and the creativity, because that’s just sort of been a huge part of my identity, going all the way back to childhood, like I was the one who was so imaginative. And I was so playful and creative. And I was a fine arts major, and an English major. And those are all things that are great creative. And I just like lost my Sparkle is how I could explain it, it just didn’t feel like me, it didn’t feel like it was there anymore. And I knew something had to change. And the exact timing of when I felt like something needs to change Kylene and her friend Sophie, who’s also FDN, NLP trained, we’re hosting this three week long program. And I was like, well, it’s free. And it aligned to some of the things I’ve been saying I was curious about, and I did that. And so that’s how I ended up getting into FDM, that that whole week was just, it was funny, because I didn’t really fully participate in it. Because it didn’t line up very well, with my schedule, I worked at a school that got out really late. So I think I went to like three of the five calls. But there was something about what the link that they were helping me to understand between how my physical health and my mental health are part of the same system that really clicked with me and really resonated. And I was like, Oh, I’ve done all these things from a mental health, which was like the medications and the check ins with the doctors and things like that. And nothing was changing. And if anything, things are starting to kind of get worse because now I was getting really tired. And I was having joint pain, I was having headaches and there was like spotting in between cycles and all this stuff. And so that really like really that link between my mental health and physical health and now having again this like possibility that there is something else that I can try that I haven’t thought about trying is really what got me in the door.

Megan Blacksmith  

Okay, so you started with mental health, essentially. So I feel like everybody kind of gets like, for me, it’s like I started physical and so then you so you start with mental health. And then you’re like, oh, wow, like what’s going on my gut could could also be impacting what what’s going on in my brain and what these thoughts are.

Carly  

Okay. It’s interesting that with mental health, because it’s like, you got these diagnoses, and then it comes the medications that go along with it. And I never really thought to explore different like, I didn’t really understand that there’s different modalities of getting to the mental health stuff. And so it’s like, okay, you have depression, you take an antidepressant, you have anxiety, you take an anti anti anxiety, you have ADHD, you take Adderall, like and that was sort of, and then you check in with the doctor to make sure like to, to keep the side effects in check, but it never was really getting to the layers underneath. Nor did I realize that I needed to be getting two layers underneath, which, in retrospect, just seems weird.

Megan Blacksmith  

Okay, so at this point, there’s mental health kind of from like, the conventional view, what’s wrong, and then let’s fix the imbalance. So at this point, then, it’s not you didn’t quite have an awareness of like, underlying beliefs or traumas or energy or emotions impacting you. Correct? Correct. Yes. Okay. Okay, so, and it sounds like I’ve heard you say that you love FDN. And you love the testing, and you love the physical, but you really do want you do feel like combining that with other tools as what impacted you the most. So can you share a little bit about your opinion on that, as you’ve worked through both?

Carly  

Yes, for sure. I’ve started with functional labs. Because that was just something I hadn’t explored yet. I had no clue that the mental and emotional stuff was also like something that could be supported by my FDN. I mean, they were T It was a group program. So they were teaching Cymatics they were teaching some parasympathetic tools and calming the body. But the main like, at the beginning, it was really seeing that like, my estrogen was like, ridiculously low and my cortisol was low. And those two things alone, it was the first time that I saw it in black and white like this, isn’t you? There’s something going on, there’s an imbalance and I mean, when a seesaw is going in one direction, there’s that hope and possibility like well, okay, well, now I just need to sway it back in the other direction. So those were those labs was like just so validating.

Megan Blacksmith  

Okay, so the news that that moment of this finally lines up with how I feel,

Carly  

yeah, and that I like felt seen and heard and validated because here’s somebody on the other side like well, this is why you see No, this way and this, this explains this, and this explains that.

Megan Blacksmith  

Okay, and then so what led you to want to go deeper and more than FDN?

Carly  

Um, I’ll have to admit there was a lot of resistance with going deeper at first. So the labs, and all of the group stuff started in January of 2022. Right? We’re 2021. About a year and a half ago, go for that. And we’re learning techniques to like calm down our body, we’re learning techniques to talk to parts of our body. And so it was kind of like one of those. Well, let me talk to my estrogen. Like, why are you so low estrogen, like, what’s going on? And how did I not know about this before and for what purpose was I like not getting thinking to explore like my, the signs and symptoms that would have led me to the place to realize that something’s off with my hormones. And it was in that moment that I recovered, like repressed trauma. And with that came, like when I’m out and I was like a gestalt. So like a grouping of other memories that either had repressed at a time and recovered later on, or other other things that like, I was like, oh, yeah, when, like, my psychiatrist pointed this out to me, we never actually explored it. And so there was a lot of like, who am I? What’s happening? Why did I not know this about myself? Thoughts. And I kind of stood in that for a while, like, Okay, well, that explains that, like moving on, but it was not living on because now and that then cascaded, and at the time, I didn’t really understand. So I didn’t actually share that with anybody, which was another thing like, I, I understood what was I got such a deep piece of information about myself, and like big T trauma that I had experienced in my childhood. And parts of me were just like, No, that’s not like you’re distorting not, that’s not your experience. And but another me knew it, that it started to really spiral really fast, because all of a sudden, all the things that I’ve been doing with the functional health that was I’ve seen, like rapid change and rapid growth. mindset was clearing up. And you know, I was just like, becoming this person that was really strong and like to work out and was doing projects around the house. And so I sort of knew that thing that I knew that I needed to tell somebody or work on, it was like, Well, if I just push that back down in there, then I can continue being the person who I was becoming of all the things and that worked in a sense for a for a month or two until all of a sudden the anxiety really caught up with me. And it really started to translate into like so many food intolerances and and then it was just like, at some point, I just could not do it by myself any longer. And that gets funny because we were doing like a breathwork session. And I was just like, nope, not going to like, gotta get more labs, like what’s causing the food intolerances. Like I still hadn’t really connected the dots that that the food intolerances was not because all of a sudden something functionally was was not caught that could have been caught before. But it was because all of the anxiety and work that I was doing to shut down the stuff that I never knew and pretend like it didn’t actually exist was like now starting to like really take over.

Megan Blacksmith  

So your body was just screaming out for you to acknowledge what you had just Oh, yeah.

Carly  

And the people that I that were making me feel safe and comfortable. Were the ones that it was screaming out, like the loudest when they’d be around me. Which I now know is because it was telling me to tell them, but at the time, I was just like I I didn’t want to.

Megan Blacksmith  

So the thing, the food intolerances and the the physical things would flare more as soon as you are around them. Oh, yeah. 100%. Yes. Yeah. And it seems like the opposite of what you wanted, I’m

Carly  

sure. Yes. Yeah.

Megan Blacksmith  

Okay, so as that’s happening, I’m curious. Can you share for anybody listening who’s been in that situation? Or maybe is currently in that situation? We’re in there in the like, push it back down phase? What are some resources? I know, what are your What are your biggest pieces of advice there of like, lean in or resources to help someone actually shift from that? The push down point. The reach I was,

Carly  

I mean, I was so fortunate to be aligned with the people that I was aligned with at the time that all of this was happening. One of the breaking points for me was, you know, I was feeling better and I had At the same time, like, well, maybe there’s more information we can get. So we ran some blood labs in around the end of March and beginning of April. And that’s when the Hashimotos diagnosis came about. And for me in that moment, and I kind of recognized from higher perspective, like this should have been a moment should have could have would have been a moment of clarity of like, oh, look, I’m looking for like black and white answers. And here is a black and white answer. But it just did something to me. But again, like, looking back on it, it was like a flare up of I had been diagnosed with C PTSD when I was in my early 20s. And that was another one, like, Let’s push that under the rug, like, like lobby that never dealt with it. And so that, all of a sudden, like, came back, like raging. And I didn’t quite understand why. And I just remember, like, feeling so many emotions and feeling like betrayed, but I didn’t understand why I was feeling betrayed. And, and it just, that was the culminating voting moment. So I think your original question was, what were the tools and resources. Um, so one of the biggest things definitely was the functional lab work and then changing lifestyles. So I went gluten free, I was being more active. And that definitely allowed my body to start feeling safe enough and strong enough. And, you know, I had people around that were safe people now. And I really, really strongly believe that that was what allowed the, the neurons in my brain to kind of say, Hey, we’re safe. Now, here’s that thing that is the next layer, that’s pretty deep, that needs to be worked on in order to get the balance that you’re looking for, and move up to the next levels. After that, it’s the communication, it’s you have to you, you cannot do it alone. It’s, it’s letting somebody else into your inner world of this is what happened, this is what I’m feeling. And I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with it. And just even the littlest crack, and that is enough to get the ball rolling. Like, Hey, I recognize this thing about myself, like several months ago, and I’ve been trying to figure it out on my own, and I’m really struggling.

Megan Blacksmith  

So building that community. So are the people that you built in your community currently? Are they local? Or are they internet buddies, their internet

Carly  

buddies, for the most part, I just, I did recently, start making some friends that are more local, and I love my friends who are local. But at that point in time, I was like, not even willing to show myself who I was. And I did didn’t, I was hiding a lot of myself in the world. So I it was my internet buddies that really came in actually joining Hga was your group program was extremely, extremely helpful. Because now I was in a group with other people who were, it just it’s so isolating, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s so isolating even before I understood the trauma that I was up against, even before I had the Hashimotos diagnosis, literally, when I was just the person who was making the lifestyle changes, or the food changes, and, and this and I and like I was working with the towards motivators of stepping into the identity of the healthy person stepping into the identity of the notorious motivator a person was isolating, because all of the people around me, at least in my view of the world at that time, didn’t get it. And we weren’t making those changes and weren’t doing inner work. And it was just so isolating. So once I joined the group program, where there were people who were doing the inner work, that was also like a huge shift. Yeah, so I wanted to highlight that because I hear this a lot. And I know I had the same pushback of like, Yeah, but what if you don’t have any local people who are into this, because it becomes very specific when you’re like, Okay,

Megan Blacksmith  

I want to be holistic, I want to have functional medicine, because as you can hear, in general, our goal is to use all the resources. We’re not like, oh, no, it’s not functional medicine anymore. The mindset, oh, no, it’s not the mindset, we’re like, let’s use all of them. And as but as you layer them, I know I’ve found so now you’re getting more and more specific, you’re like, I need someone who’s into functional medicine and open to talking about emotions, and okay, like, holding space for my trauma and right it comes a lot of and so what we found is that to find that type of person who’s like, wanting rapid transformation who’s willing to do this stuff that gets very, I mean, it just is it’s a lot that’s where we’ve we find these people all over all over the US all over the world. So that’s where like these groups, the internet becomes in the group where you form these bonds. And then luckily for us, we do get to meet up in person because we do our you know, we just I just saw currently last week at our two day training, right? We actually have live events now. So you can then bring all those people all together. Yes, you flew in from different places, but are now in one place. So I just share that because I know anybody who’s thinking like, yes, but I don’t have people like this around that’s, that’s okay. Because maybe you see them once a year in person or twice, but you can have this amazing relationship over zoom. I mean, Alex and I knew each other for a year before we actually met in person. So And okay, currently another thing is that you said to the 12 week group, which depending on when this airs should either be open to join now or very, very soon. So that’s now called it, it used to be a change now called our transformation accelerator program. And I know that you used you’re very good at using resources and finding resources. Was there anything specific that stood out from that program that helped you through this transition time?

Carly  

You guys were teaching, I think it was even in the first week, your emotional processing technique, which was dimes. And it was just the step by steps of this is what you do when you are feeling emotional, or when you’re, you’re butting up against the boundaries or the decisions. And it was, it’s like, it was one of those, like, I taught kids about their emotions, and how and I never really realized, like, I didn’t know what to do with my own emotions. And this like aha moment of I don’t even really know how to label my emotions was very startling to me. And so having this concrete, basically directions of what to do, when I’m butting up against that uncomfortable feeling, or situation was really, really changing, I was grasping at straws at that point in time, like I just it was taking so much of my energy to exist almost. And I was putting up a really such a huge mask, even to myself, where I didn’t even realize I was in the place that I was in. And then it was kind of like the layers of that start peeling back. And so it was with, with the emotional processing tool, where I was wanting to kind of starting to put the pieces together that I’m in a bigger hole than I realized that I’m in. And there’s a way to get out of it.

Megan Blacksmith  

Hmm, beautiful. You just said the mask, I want to talk about the masks because this reminds me of a topic near and dear to you in my heart. So one of the one of the things that our bodies will do to protect us is dissociate. So we essentially kind of step out of our body. It’s like we’re seeing ourselves in the picture on the screen. Whereas zoom, now, we’re not really grounded, we’re not really in it. So it’s the opposite of when, you know, we teach our trainings when we get in peripheral when we’re actually like really grounded in our body. And we’re seeing through our own eyes. And so this is something that a lot of people have learned as a trauma response. And you know, it’s automatic. It’s not like we’re doing it on purpose. It’s just this thing that happens. But I can you tell me a little bit about how that’s played out for you, as a place that your body likes to go?

Carly  

Yeah, it’s kind of fascinating to think back on it. Because the concept of dissociation, like without actual word, is something that I honestly don’t think I labeled, or like connected to, that’s what I’m doing until a few months ago. But I remember in college, the first time that I can remember in college was I remember talking to one of my friends. And it’s like one of those like, where you know, you know the things and you don’t know that you know the things and so it just stands out that you’re like having this aha moment. So like, probably had nothing conversation that stuck with me so much was I remember saying to her, like, it just feels like I’m not here. Like I’m doing the things I’m I’m talking to people, nobody else from the inside or outside, but rec would know that something is off. But I don’t feel like I’m here. And it was that conversation that actually did end up leading me because she her, her sister at the time had was experiencing something similar. And so I believe it was that conversation that led to me booking an appointment with a psychiatrist and eventually getting like a few different diagnoses. That also the timing of that conversation was before I had the C PTSD diagnosis, but within months of when a whole bunch of events happened concurrently that led to the diagnosis. So I didn’t realize what was happening at the time and at the time, there was a memory that was repressed in addition to the big T trauma that I did have, but there was enough memories that weren’t repressed that that led to like this like just fleeing myself almost like it’s almost like abandoning yourself or like parts of you are trying to protect Do you because you don’t have the tools and resources, or it doesn’t think that you have the tools and resources to be able to handle it for yourself. So that was the first time that I just felt off like and there. It’s, it’s like I just I was there and I was doing the things and I wasn’t doing the things. And then I kind of forgot that that was happening. And when I joined the program, with Kylie and Sophie, it was again, like I recovered this big T trauma that happened like even before the all those other events. And I remember, at some point, saying to one of them, something along the lines of it’s so weird, because I’m on the calls with you, I I’m participating, I’m, I’m answering, and then we hang up the call. And I don’t remember anything that happened on it. And so that started happening more and more. And that started to like, kind of really freak me out a little bit. But at the end, I still didn’t really understand what was happening. I didn’t. I didn’t know that that was dissociation.

Megan Blacksmith  

Yeah. So what have you learned from that? Or what what tools have you used now, when you when you find that that’s happening?

Carly  

So one of the things was sort of backtracking on what’s the thing that happens right before that, or what happens right before that, or what happens right before that. And it was something that Dr. Alex had said to me at the level two training that really resonated, which was when we were labeling emotions, and I was noticing that I was still kind of struggling with like, we’re now going a level deeper, and what’s an activating emotion? And what’s a deactivating emotion? I was still struggling with with that at that point. And I remember saying something to her about like, well, anxiety is not on this list of emotions, what’s anxiety, she’s like, well, in my model, the world like anxiety is more of a state of being rather than an emotion. And I don’t remember if there was more to that conversation or not. More than likely there was and bits and pieces of it is what made it into my subconscious for me to have the realization that if I was experiencing so many levels of anxiety, that anxiety was what part of the mask, right, so now there’s this layer, of whether it’s depression, or it’s anxiety. It’s the state that’s getting in between me and the outer world, so that I cannot feel or figure out or be exposed to whatever that anxiety is keeping me away from.

Megan Blacksmith  

Oh, that’s so good. That’s such a it’s such a good way to put it. I feel like people can feel feel that difference. So I know you do a lot of practice now to like really get grounded in your body. Yeah. Yes. And has that made a difference?

Carly  

Yeah. It’s like the I’m choosing to be here. I’m choosing to listen to this. I want to be here. That’s been really helpful. And yes, yes.

Megan Blacksmith  

And sometimes even just labeling like, Oh, I’m doing that dissociating thing. We’ll, we’ll bring you back. Because I know when we get to work together, like when I jokingly told you, you had to dissociate your body. No, no, I know. Right? Yeah. I love that.

Carly  

Yeah, it’s definitely once I allowed myself to label it. I was actually reading a book, which is a trigger warning. So if you’re going through something this it’s almost like I was reading it on purpose. I think that’s like a whole nother thing. But it’s the Body Keeps the Score.

Megan Blacksmith  

When a new year obviously, that it is super triggering.

Carly  

It’s yeah, it’s super triggering for me where I was I trusted in in where I was in the journey, that there was a purpose for me reading it, there was a purpose for me getting triggered. And it was, it was like months after I think I labeled the fact that I dissociate. Because I remember telling you, after the January event, like I was like, I talked to a whole crowd of people. And I know I was talking and I know, I was getting feedback about it. But I had no clue what I was saying. I have no clue what the people around me were saying. And I don’t know if the word I think the word dissociation came up with that point. But at that point, I guess only parts of me were on board with it. Because when I was reading that book, it was just like, oh, I dissociate. And that was like, really a culminating moment of like, this is something I do, I don’t need to pretend that I’m not doing it. There was some shame still around the fact that I, I do dissociate. But I can no longer like I was so black and white reading that book that this is something I have, and it’s something I do. And then that allowed me to kind of research a little bit more about it.

Megan Blacksmith  

And the amazing thing is it’s not, you know, you would say you gave a whole talk or you talk to a bunch of people, and it was very clear. So just I always want to make let other people know it’s not necessarily like this person is, like slurring their words or not. I mean, she’s very, very clear in this state. Just you weren’t present in this. Yeah.

Carly  

I think the moment that I actually was like, Oh, I really need to tell somebody that this is happening because it did start getting worse. And what I’m learning is when the parts of you are starting to get worse, which is not worse, that’s louder. So when The parts of you are starting to get louder. It’s because like you’re, you’re stepping into this identity shift and you’re kind of resisting allowing the shift to happen. And getting yourself the tools and resources that can support that part of you. That is now like, Hey, I’m here. Why are you pretending I’m not here? Why are you like hating me? And why are you telling me to go away? And so one of the the, the like, last piece that I needed of it getting loud was almost it getting quiet, because I remember being on a group call and it was just me you one other coach who I was friends with, I met at the level two training, I think, Michelle, your your head coach, like was on the call. And it was like a relaxed, fun call. And I remember at some point, like I felt calm, I felt relaxed I, I was just being me. And I remember when I came to on the call being like, Oh, that was weird. So like, I had this awareness that like I kind of just like disappeared, but I didn’t disappear. Because it wasn’t scary. And the part that was scary, it was recognizing that this is now happening in a more quiet way than it had been happening before. And I was like, well, now I need to tell somebody because it’s like, I didn’t remember what was happening. And it wasn’t a trigger. Like there was nothing triggering that was happening. It was just kind of like, I think it was just like, hey, I can I can do this to you, whether you like no matter what the situation is now. So I’m going to,

Megan Blacksmith  

in a way, it’s that that part wanted to have a little control, right? The parts like, Oh, I’ll do it now or I will, right yeah, even to have a trigger. I think the whole parts, the parts of us, the parts of us that are competing, the parts of us that are to protect there to protect us understanding those parts. For I know, for you, Carly, and for me personally have just made huge world of difference, because then you can see like, oh, that part’s gonna, that parts kind of flaring up as we head into this, this situation where I’m doing something a little bigger than before, or it might be there’s, there’s this potential for putting myself out there. And you’ll see, I know, I will start to experience this flare up of a part coming in. And it’s actually a part of us a different part of us coming to protect what I know, as you start to really understand parts, what’s been the most impactful for you to just kind of understand that there are these different parts that pop up.

Carly  

It’s kind of funny, because it was on a call I got it was literally our last call that we had together with so probably about a month ago at the most. And you just said at one point towards the end of the call. It’s just a part of you. Like I don’t remember, I haven’t watched the call. I don’t remember exactly what. And we were in my subconscious. So like, I don’t really remember what was happening or what I was saying. But I definitely remember you saying and because it just stuck with me like and it’s just the part of you. And so it’s just having like the outsider support of like validating like a reassuring, like this is just a part of you. And that goes all the way back to level one. When I was resisting, so hard letting you into my world. And you saying like this is just something your brain is doing right now. Like this is just something your brain is doing right now. And just like, it’s that level of, of safety and comfort, and somebody recognizes that I am not all of this. This is just a part of who I am or part of what I’m struggling with right now. That was just like, Okay, well, this is safe for me to explore. I love that you

Megan Blacksmith  

brought that up, I’d love to talk about that resistance, you came in to level one. And I want to highlight this just because I said in the very beginning, what I wanted you all to listen for is like the speed at which Carly made changes and transport transformation. I do also want to point out though, like the resistance, the level of resistance was like high, very high, super high resistance, and also still then made choices and has gone at a very fast speed. So I’m just saying that out loud. If you’re a person who’s like, I’m super resistant, and I’ve been resisting all the things that doesn’t actually mean that it’s going to take a long time. It’s like almost the level of resistance you then things bubbled up and escalated faster. And then you got to your tipping point, or your see I’m not sure you get through

Carly  

your time. No, I was resisting. Like that was something that came up months later when I was like, Oh, I’m resisting. Like,

Megan Blacksmith  

even better, right? You’re a part of me is like, I’m gonna do this thing. I’m gonna do this thing and you’re not even gonna know. So when you came into the training, I love this story so much where you were like, I don’t do the anger thing, and really having a hard time getting into certain emotions and for those of you who have come On to our, our level one training we we clear the Big Six anger, sadness hurt, fear, guilt, shame and doesn’t mean you’ll never feel the feelings again, what we’re doing is we’re clearing out the inappropriate or unwarranted times where we’re really tied to those emotions because that way we’re not pulling them up over and over again, when something happens in the now, right? If somebody cuts us off now we can just be angry about that one thing and not like everything that ever happened in our life. And in the process. It’s not that you have to feel it. Exactly. But in the process we’re getting learnings from and we’re actually going to that emotion. So when, you know, Carly said like, I just don’t do anger. I was like, huh, this is gonna be interesting. That was actually

Carly  

one of the moments that led me to realize that I needed to tell somebody about my my traumas, because we were doing a meditation where we’re supposed to be tapping into our emotions. And I was like, I just found out I could not tap into anger at all. And that was like months before the level one training.

Megan Blacksmith  

Yeah, and you just couldn’t even feel them. Yeah. Yeah. So sometimes when we can’t feel them at all, we can actually, like, get into them by practicing, which is essentially what we did. So Carly, and I had a nice little dance in the backyard. Around a cookie, do you want to share the story?

Carly  

How far back? Okay, so this was one of the moments where I like moments before it or the day before, it was one of the biggest times that I was aware of the fact that I was dissociating. But again, I didn’t know that the word the label dissociation didn’t really I didn’t understand that part. But you were telling a story, how detailed do I get,

Megan Blacksmith  

um, you just need to share and we’ll see where it goes.

Carly  

Okay, so Megan was telling a story about how she, this is how I remember it, you were telling a story about how you are doing all the things and you are leaving your job and you are getting your FDN. But there was that like eating disorder down below that you hadn’t really dealt with. And it was getting you from where you should be in like so thinking that you were at the top of the mountain and then realizing you were really kind of in this pit. And it just resonated. Because going back to the masking part, I came to this Training and like I’m healed, I’m ready to level up, like I’ve got my shit together. So I’m Chris, I got my stuff together. And at some point in that, because I just wanted you guys to think I was like amazing and perfect. And I don’t know, I don’t know why or who I thought I wanted. I don’t know. And so that really was like I just felt so exposed in that moment. Of, they’re seeing right through me, they’re seeing all the things that I don’t want anyone to see and and they know all the things and I don’t so much was going through my mind. And then all of a sudden, nothing was going through my mind. And I just felt so stuck in my chair. And so at some point, I got to the point where I great, like, Thank God very grateful. My previous FDN was one of your assistant coaches. And so she was there as a safety. Well, not for me for safety. But because I was so stuck in my chair at that moment. And this is the funny part is I was avoiding being paired with her. And I was so I was literally stuck in my chair I like I don’t remember, I remember it as just not being able to move not being able to really form a thought. And at some point, like everybody was paired up, and it was me and Kylie, that were going to be paired up. And I could not do the exercise, because I was so triggered. And so I’m so grateful that she was there because I’m honestly not sure if I would have got to the point on my own, where I would have chose to say something. And so I did say something to her. And I think it was really just along the lines of like, I’m super triggered. And she’s like, well, let’s go, you know, there’s Megan and Alex. And I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. But I did make the choice to come and tell you. I don’t remember how much I told you or what. And then that led to we got into this conversation of I’m having these behaviors and I’m having these habits. And I’m like, I didn’t I don’t I wasn’t yet using the label orthorexia. But I’m highly aware of the fact at that point. I was pretty competent, but that’s what I had. But I didn’t want to use the label. And so in some way, shape or form in that conversation that was communicated with you. And then there was a few other conversations that led to like, please help me get through my jet. And so yeah, that’s

Megan Blacksmith  

no, you can keep going. That’s cool.

Carly  

And so I was like standing at the counter at lunch. I think this was the next day at that point. And when I said I wanted to get angry, I wanted to feel anger. And so you’re like, can I make you angry? And I was like, yes, yes, please make me angry. And so I was standing at the counter at some point, waiting for food. I remember some of the moments I just remember so well, because it just seemed, I think it was just so startling to me at the time, how much it triggered me. And it was so important that it did trigger me the way that it did. Because it was just like, why is that triggering me so much. And it was I remember standing at the counter and making somebody else might have been he was like, or diaper or someone else at the training was standing and eating at the counter. And it made a comment like, Oh, you’re you’re not supposed to eat while standing up. You’re like, according to who and like that already got me. Like, oh, they’re thinking I’m weird, because I’m have all these rules about how you’re allowed and not allowed to eat. And then you like walked over with your food. And I don’t know if that’s how intentional it was just next to me. But my brain was, I don’t know, if you purposely came over with a food. I don’t know if it was just going to be a light hearted conversation or if it was to trigger me or what. But I got so triggered just by your presence with like a bowl of food that I have no idea what was even in that bowl, but I was like, I think I’ve literally just walked away.

Megan Blacksmith  

Oh, yeah, that’s so fascinating, because that was not on purpose. And that’s what we love about the container of these events is that we don’t have to do or plan anything. It’s just like the it all the magic will align and the people will sit next to you that are gonna help you with your break through.

Carly  

Yeah. So I then I just literally walked away to like, the furthest person I could find to sit next to. And then all of a sudden I see you and like Kylene in the kitchen. Like, like, talking and then like looking. And then before I know it, there’s a box of cookies in your hands. And you’re like, Carly, can you can you come with me? And I was like, I don’t know how I got up and came and I was like, Oh, here it goes. It’s happening. And you’re like, trying to get me to eat the cookies and eat the cookie, the cookie? Why don’t you eat the cookie? I don’t need the cookie.

Megan Blacksmith  

And it was fascinating, because you knew we had basically had an agreement that I could do anything to help you get into anger. So you knew what I was doing. And I mean, it’s still, it’s still got you into your anger, right?

Carly  

Yeah, I didn’t want it because I gave you the agreement to do it that I then was like, I didn’t want to let you into my world. So that was like the interesting part. Because at that point, I was like, trying to get all really funny. Which I’m sure was a protector protector apart at the point at that point. I was like, This is hilarious. This is so funny. Like, I’m like, you threw one of my shoes and I was like off, you’re gonna throw my shoes. I’m gonna throw the cookies. You’re like, how could you throw those cookies? And everything that you’re saying to me that I agreed to allow you to do I was counteracting with Well, that’s not that’s that’s not gonna happen. That’s not true. That’s so like, I was still resisting feeling anger, but I did feel a lot of enjoyment which was fine. And I was definitely triggered.

Megan Blacksmith  

So the My favorite part of this whole story is the one one how much you are willing to go all in because you are like no, really, like, please help me with this. Like I actually I want to feel and, and really just played along at every part. And then my favorite part of this story from my perspective was on the very last day, you know, we you then ended up you know, working through anger in in one of the processes and then we moved on to do a bunch of other things throughout the whole week. And and you never ate cookie right during during that whole event where I was trying to get you to eat

Carly  

because I kind of understand the metaphor now of like the fact that I was refusing to eat the cookie was like refusing to let you in. And then the fact that I was throwing the cookie as far away from me as possible was like I’m going to keep you over here.

Megan Blacksmith  

You and your dang cookies get away from me. But then so on the last day I see Carly coming in with a whole box or actually two whole boxes exact same brand. You know, there were like simple Mills gluten free cookies or something. And she she came up to me she’s like, All right, we’re all eating cookies. Yeah. And I was like wait, I was like, Are you serious? It’s just like yeah, so we have this amazing group video of us all eating cookies together Carly eating a cookie. And this was a really big deal for you at this point in your healing journey to be eating something that had all these you know, questionable ingredients.

Carly  

Yeah, at that point in time I was eating like sweet potato tuna lettuce and carrots. Right literally like I’m saying it with like laughing but that but literally for food. Yeah.

Megan Blacksmith  

So this you know, eight cookie ingredient ingredient cookie. And I mean, I was I was in tears. I don’t know if you remember but I was just so moved by. You know, it’s not my goal to get people just eat cookies but so moved by What this represented for you, Carly. And then also this was the you proactively bringing this thing in represented how far you’d come in a week. And then the whole group got to be in on in became like, it just became a representation. And almost as a I’m gonna call it a ceremony, because everyone had been through different shifts during the week. So I just really, really appreciate that you even thought to do that.

Carly  

Yeah, I was like, I’m, I’m not me throwing the cookie is not going to be how this plays out as like, my defining moment of this week. And how can I like, bring this back? And it was the cookie represented so much for me at that point, because it wasn’t, it was, it was what was I going to be allowing in? And not It had nothing to do with the food at that point. It was and there was still like, some resistance. I like, I It’s so funny, because I was like, Oh, you have the cookies. So I can I just eat. I was like I was like I’m gonna let you in. But I’m also going to continue to maintain some of this control over over this experience.

Megan Blacksmith  

Isn’t it so good, though, to see our patterns? It’s like we can it represents all of it like, Okay, well, that’s where I am right now. I’m willing to give up. Cool, right? Yeah. And you and I have eaten cookies on other coaching calls since so it, it has become this thread,

Carly  

it’s. And what I’m also really realizing is that my giving half is so much more than giving half like in my mind, I’m not doing it all. But when you really get from higher and further back, like you said, like I was eating like four foods to then go from that for like months to eating half of a cookie was a big deal. Like it was about the half that I did choose to eat that that was so significant.

Megan Blacksmith  

It’s Alex shared at the event you’re eating half was giving it all that was everything you had in that moment. Just where you were. Yep. That’s so awesome. Carly, thank you so much for being here today, please, my pleasure, but to your Instagram, or website or wherever we can find you so they can come check you out more. Carly has the most amazing Instagram posts, she is the master at hypnotic language. So you definitely want to check out and follow her, because it’s going to just send you into the best state reading them.

Carly  

Thank you. I am @carlyinfocus and on Instagram.Thanks for having me.

Megan Blacksmith  

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