Minding The Gap

In today’s episode, Dr. Alex talks about the gap between awareness and intention, the importance of having a plan, and the importance of setting boundaries. 

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Podcast Transcript:

Dr. Alex Golden  

Hello, hello, everybody. Dr. Alex here. Thank you for joining me, welcome to the podcast, I am happy that you’re here. Today we’re going to be talking about minding the gap. And that is to say we’re talking about the gap, the time gap between when you want something, the intention of it all the way to the results of having it. So obviously, there’s not, I can’t imagine there’s a single person on the planet that hasn’t experienced this. And more common than not people have experiences multiple times. And that is how we get to things like cynicism, hopelessness, futility despair, the, the deeper it goes, the worse that feels. And so this is a big consideration, when we are getting ourselves results. And it’s really an important thing to be really well resourced, and when you are working with other people, because especially when someone’s paying you, or if you’re, you know, family, friends, and they’re going through it, you will see it, right, you will see the struggles of the gap. And if we are not resource, that’s honestly often where things get a little wonky for people, whether it is internally, and the transformation serves to get really hard. And this is where people start to have missteps. Or they’re helping someone, especially if that someone is paying you for transformation, not a being able to support that and manage that appropriately, will be the reason that issues happen. And it often is the issues that you’re managing. If you really think about clients that you’ve worked with, in the past, or fights that you’ve had, you might realize that what I’m saying is, has been playing out in your life. And so we’re gonna talk about that today. Real quick, I wanted to still invite you there’s it’s happening in a couple more weeks. But our Dallas event, even if you are not in the Dallas area, we have made the cost of those retreats today on habit transformations really, really low. Because essentially, we do not we want people there to transform their habits and learn the information. Right, that is the importance of it. And so we have made it really accessible. And that means that people who are flying and there are quite a few people that are coming not from the Dallas area. They there there’s no, there’s none of that extra stress coming from there. We also are really passionate about the habit transformation topic, because the US habits aren’t just a reason that people feel bad about themselves. It’s so common, everyone kind of has the experience of either I want to stop doing that, why can I stop this the stinks, I feel bad, whatever, fill in the blank, or I wish I could make myself do that consistently other people do it, why can I that is a big problem already. But what is actually a few zoom out, the reason that we’re willing to do a whole two day event with food and lights and all this stuff and make it a really low cost thing is because to us, the cost is not as low as that story that is said, even tells, right because when you are someone who is caught in that habit space, and also happened to be a human being that is here to help others to impact the world to be a thought leader, to be a role model for other people to create come together and create a more loving, kind, compassionate, prosperous, safe world for all of us. And I think we all know how desperately that is needed. For something like habits that honestly once resource and supported are so easy. They really are for that to be the reason that the world doesn’t experience those individuals. And there’s a lot of them. We’re gonna take forever getting to this place that I know we all are feeling we that we all want that we desire that we’re like, why isn’t it like this? And we’re looking for the people are willing to say, I’m not going to sit around and wait for someone else to raise their hand on fixing this. It’s going to be me. And there doesn’t seem to be a long line necessarily, of people fighting it for me. I’m gonna raise my hand, I’m gonna get it done. That is who we want to support. And we are willing to do a lot to support the people willing to do that. Because honestly, that is what we’re after we want the world to become the place that we are all desiring it to be as fast as humanly possible, right. And those of you who have kids are married people with kids who have set kids adopted kids, whatever you got cousins and friends, kids that you know, in love. Know, most of us realize that we want to leave this world a better place than where we came. And for us, that is identity level work for each of us to become the person that we are meant to be who we desire to be who we are proud to be. And with those people with those identities, that is how the work will be done. So check that out in the show notes, we’d love to have you even if you’re listening to this later and you missed it, we’re going to be doing other two day retreats about habits later on. So sign up for the waitlist, and don’t worry about missing it. Alright, so let’s talk about the gap. So, like we said, the gap between the time of when you realize you have the self awareness of an intention arising within you to result actually experiencing the intention. This is the gap that we’re talking about. That’s over all, what what needs to be managed, the gap is present and every single transformation, every single manifestation, and really any goal, right? That’s the whole point. So it’s really common, and not minding the gap in yourself, will lead to a lot of internal chaos and outward physical problems. And then if you are someone who coaches and as a thought leader, and different capacities out in the world, mining, the not minding the gap, or that experience of the gap, is really where all the problems arise. If you think about it, where people struggle is usually when you know, when they’re bright eyed and bushy tailed, everything’s new, everything’s great, they’re willing to roll with some punches, then the going gets tough, because the gap starts to get long. Now this is why our stuff is helping transform yourself faster and teaching other people how to do it. Because honestly, if that’s where the problem is created, well, then it doesn’t take a genius for Megan and I to realize let’s shorten it, you know, so like, cool. That’s what we built a business around. Apparently, that’s something people need to hear. Right. So and we love it. So great. We’re going to shorten it. And at the same time, we that is how at that in the metal doors, and this is anyone who works with client clients, you know that that’s where it comes out. And it’s usually some mental body concept, some emotional body flash in the pan, them sort of energetic body disalignment mental body expectation management and reality clash that happens in the gap, which is where you as a leader will get all of the stuff back at you, right. And of course, anyone who’s coaching anyone who’s leading is working on themselves, obviously, and they’re transforming and they’re broadly transforming more rapidly than the people around them. So the multiple gaps, and big goals and dreams that are taking a while to get to anyways, despite these other pathways of other things going on the management of this, I just can’t say it strongly enough, it determines whether a you get there and be the experience along the way. So it’s really my name, the gap is part and parcel to actually succeeding so I could have, I could have called this podcast how to succeed. But honestly, there’s too much of that stuff and no one would have clicked on it. But, you know, it’s one of those things that we need to understand what’s happening. This is where when people get a little too like oh, just feeling to it. You know, I love feeling I love intuition. I love the emotional compass. That’s all hunky dory. But on some level, especially when we’re working with other people in a leadership capacity, you got to understand how this works so that you can teach so you can explain so you can foresee problems people are gonna have so that you can create frameworks and structures for them to use. So that They can get from where they are to where they want to be in the way that you’re saying you’ll deliver on, right. So mining the gap. That’s why it’s so important. Now, a sub level of this is sometimes there are multiple gaps. So the gap is always from time of awareness of intention. I want this. And I just realized I want it all the way to Yeah, I have it. This is awesome. I’m holding it, I’m experiencing I’m doing it. There are when the gap is long and mismanaged. Often, oftentimes, this is where people start to really get into doubt, cynicism, anger, and hopelessness. When their wins along the way, as long as their wins, kind of regularly, and it seems it looks like to the person, that the gaps between those winds aren’t too long. That is to say the entire result getting to results is still relatively short, whereas we could still be talking about years, but we’re not talking about decades. When there’s wins along the way, and that carries them and the rest of their support, and their resource manages the gaps. That works very well. But even if someone’s getting wins along the way, but they’re not minding the gap, and they don’t have the resources to even know what that means, or what actions to take, or what that looks like, then getting wins along the way actually sometimes creates a very rocky experience. And that we really get I got a client, I’m totally gonna write this business now. It’s like nothing happens for like three months, you’re like, I got bills to pay. I’m so anxious about this stuff. My mom’s like, when are you gonna get a real job? Why did you quit that thing that you used to do? You’re good at, right. And so it ends up being quite painful despite the lens. And that’s where I think the interjection of toxic positie kind of cave came in, because the thinking was, if you can just stick with it long enough. And if you can out think, the mental Granlund during the gap. Eventually, we all agreed that given enough time and enough stuff, and whatever, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ll get there, right? But at the same time, a is not 100%. Guaranteed and that case, right? Because if the toxic positive, toxic positivity is just up front, well, the vibration that the universe is getting from you no different so no one cares, right? Then the other problem with that is, is that it extends the experience to longer and really depends on willpower and your ability to force yourself to feel a type of way when you don’t, when the evidence in front of you is just like really not what you’re telling yourself, right. And it’s hard to keep lying to yourself. And so even with affirmations, even with stuff, people will eventually kind of poop out on it. And sometimes people recover and they come back. And sometimes that’s how we really lose people in things like, you know, depression and hopelessness and it’s very rare, like not even that word, you know, not even the universe has my back. Because they interpret it as it you know, someone’s keeping it away from me. And there must be something wrong with me I’m not loved, I’m not cared for. The universe doesn’t conspire in my favor, all this stuff that I’ve been trying to, you know, hodgepodge in my brain and hold and hope that it works and do the things since it’s not authentic. It crumbles. And that, to me, is one of the scarier pathways for someone to end on. And I’ve had firsthand experience with that, actually, years ago, and I will say that it is a dangerous place to be, is a dangerous place for people to be. And so we need to understand the the importance of what we’re talking about. This is really not a lighthearted podcast in some ways, like because what we’re talking about is impactful for people. And this is soul level work sometimes. And if if we don’t recognize it like that, we can we can get ourselves you know, feeling it feeling pretty bad. So that’s why I bring all this up. So they experience when the ups and downs of the winds but still really stretched out and mismanaged really rocky and And also there can be a lateral shift. So sometimes as people go, they have certain expectations, but then their intentions and desires actually begin to shift. If you don’t go with the shifting of your desires, and you’re like, No, this is what I said, this is what I’m going to do. I’m not somebody that quits to Laszlo style, you know, then the gap, not only the up and down the gap of the time, but also the lateral gap of in, in authenticity between you and you, ooh, doggy, that, that just, you start compounding those things together. That it’s, it’s pretty intense, right? That’s an that’s a rocky experience. And so with mining the gap. I, to me, there’s two common problems, but I really the meat and potatoes of what I want to talk about here. So one is that that time period and is really up front. Especially up front, when someone is learning to be different. This is where lots of different kinds of resources, give them options to continue to interact with their desire, without getting looped into the lack of results. For one, this makes sense, in general, because upfront, if someone hasn’t done something a certain way, you do a lot of teaching. So up front, for me, resources across all four bodies are extra important, the support necessary, is much, much greater. It also means that often you’re teaching or learning or coming up with what support you need, or someone else needs at the time when the pressure of the gap has not yet built. And so oftentimes, this is where with people, we’re focusing on things like emotional processing tools. For me personally, when I work with someone one on one, that’s a first session kind of deal. Right? There’s also physical body tools, how do we use the physical apparatus and modulate our internal state? There’s a ton parasympathetic exercises are an easy one and one that I love. And the list there goes on and on. I mean, the body is amazing. So teaching those kinds of things, mental exercises of what frameworks can someone use to think through, there’s a million attend that we talked about here on the podcast, right? So we already we already teach those. And there’s a reason that we do that, because y’all are in your own gaps, right. And so I’m going to tell you exactly how to get there. There’s different emotional processing tools here on the podcast, there’s different reframes for thinking. There’s different ways of recontextualizing, changing perspectives about an idea, right? All of those things apply here, journaling, talking, tapping all of that. And then we talked about emotional body, spiritual body, how are we going to tune into ourselves? What do we look for? How do what is the anatomy? Where are things found? How do I move things, right? Addressing each of those in support structures, especially when it’s done upfront, and then continued and modified and varied for that individual person and the expression of what they have going on right there. And then using every single problem that comes up as a way to resource back, how can this be supported? If this happened again, what would you need? Again, if this is something that could be prevented? What do we need to do? What conversations do you need to have, right? The list can go on and on for resources. But the short and quick of it is that they have to be set up. Okay, now, so that’s the very easy one. To me. It’s either you have resources, and you teach them and do them yourself. Or if that’s not working, then it’s real simple. You get resources. That means working with people, we literally train people and certify them. So if you’re listening, you’re like, I don’t know where to go. That’s not true right here. But what it is, is that people make judgment calls about themselves, or even their clients like well, they just don’t want it enough or whatever. Maybe they’re not good enough for me. I’m not good enough. Maybe I again, don’t really want those whatever. Instead of being like there’s nothing wrong with me. I just need to manage this process and there’s people out in the world that can help You do this, right. So whether you’re someone like me, who does learn from people and generates my own stuff the same, Megan does the same thing. And then we put it together, integrate it. And that’s, that’s what you see here. Or people just do it on their own, or they learn from somebody doesn’t really matter how you do it. But if you’re having a hard time, you need to stop sitting around wondering what’s wrong and go get the resource that you need. It’s a much easier fix, and people are thinking, and it makes people feel so bad to sit around and beat themselves up, don’t do it, just go learn. And there’s people that will straight up just tell you, Megan and I have taken a long time, longer time, since we figure stuff out and we add our own stuff. But then if, if you’re not wanting to do that, you don’t have to, that’s why we teach, you know, so enough about that. But honestly, this part, if you’re ever questioning what to do here, the answer is very simple. You go and get resources. Okay? And if the gaps hard, get help for the gap. Now, and if you have resources, and you’re not using them use them, that is also very straightforward, right? So these issues, easier to have the answer to now number two is actually harder. From a carrying out perspective. Yes, there’s mental Gremlins around getting resource and Oh, should I be spending money on that, but, you know, to, to improve your life experience. And to get what you want faster is always a good investment. I mean, unless you don’t really want this stuff faster than it’s not. But if you actually do, learning how to get there faster, kind of kind of isn’t a no brainer, which is why Megan and I invest in stuff quarterly. And we did so even before we made any money, and then it forced us to go make money because we had payments due. So you know, there’s mental Gremlins there and stuff, but you are not the first person to have a business, you won’t be the last. And just like all the rest of us, we invest. So if you don’t know something, go get it. And as possible, so that this other one is actually whether we need to do it, or they teach the clients and, and really be serious about this is that up front management of mental Gremlins, and management of your energy. And what you allow yourself to think the way you allow yourself to talk to yourself, what information you allow yourself to take in becomes a vital importance, you’re protecting the gap from crap, right? Because anything that comes in at vulnerable times, and the gap will rock the boat more for you. That is why at times in the gap, and this was where sometimes it’s up front, sometimes it’s in the middle, sometimes it’s intermittently along the way. But mental management energy management was honestly tied to emotions to is what you put in front of your face and in your brain. And what you allow yourself to believe in terms of the thoughts that come up, can always control the thoughts that come up. But we can control the one we choose to believe and land on and ruminate on that one, that it takes a lot more management at times in the gap. And this is not what I’m not talking about is an artificial force yourself to do something. It’s actually having the resources that authentically move you to there. Right. And so this is something that we wake up and we’re like, gosh, I this isn’t working what I this goal that I’m working on is not happening. It’s not going the way I want I’m so frustrated. Me personally. If I wake up like that, I am immediately from the get go, I have a plan I start initiating it also means I don’t really get out of bed until I’ve shifted something that might and that might mean that if I only have five minutes until I have to get out of bed, I’m gonna pull out the resources that I have vetted out that work the fastest for me. And I do those so that I can accomplish it in the five minutes I have when I have slower mornings and it’s Saturday and I don’t have anything and whatever. I can choose something that is much slower and process things and journal and allow myself to go Are there. And so I get to interact with the resources however I want. But in terms of me, just allowing myself to wallow, just allowing myself to be like, I’m tired, I’m brain dead, I don’t feel creative. Let me scroll on social media, I can tell myself, I’m looking for content ideas. And you’re just getting a bunch of negativity from social media in the comment section and whatever. And then wondering why you’re feeling crummy and down, right? And the mental Gremlins you start with didn’t get better with any of that. This is where sometimes we need to have a little bit more like, oh, just just do whatever. And let’s see how it goes. Like, we really need especially as coaches and especially as leaders, for both ourselves and clients. It serves us to have a little bit more of a pair on us do not mean female or not. But to be able to say the difficult things that sound like, Okay, I’ve given you this is a resource. Now, I’m not saying say this verbatim, but basically, if you’ve given client resource, and you help them troubleshoot it, and you’ve done it with them and things are going on, at some point, there comes a time where it is not minding the gap is an internal game of what am I going to allow within me, right. And as a coach, we need to be able to deliver those things. And sometimes we can do it very gently, and the person’s gonna respond and get it. And there’s some people that will, if you’d been doing this for any time will fight you tooth, and it’s not really them. It’s their subconscious mind. But what’s happening is that sometimes you need to communicate in very direct ways to remind people that they are in charge of what happens inside their entire energy field, and teach them from a place and remind them to do that from a place of actual authenticity. If I feel bad, I’m not lying to myself that I feel better than I do. But I need to manage this. And that might mean that I have some discipline to do towards myself to say, Yeah, I know, that was upsetting. I do feel but you know what, inhaling that bag of chips and scrolling through social media and staying up till 3am. I know already, that is not going to lead to a better tomorrow morning. So having the discipline to not do that, right? And to say, I am I am disappointed. I’m sad, what do I actually need to do? Do I need to cry? Do I need to call a friend? Do I need a journal? Do I need to reach out to my coach? Do I need to apply some stuff? And if I get stuck, then I got reach out to my coach, what do you need to do, I wouldn’t, I can’t even presume to begin to tell you what that includes for you on any given moment, or what a client would need that’s obviously individualized. But that thinking of saying, I expect more from myself than my knee jerk reaction elicits. That is so necessary for minding the gap. And I think that in it’s so interesting in human history, we always like, you know, come up with a new concept that the collective holds. And yet, we always just stay zoomed in on one thing. So it was like work till your eyeballs laid. And then we zoom in and like, sit back and manifest and feel good and whatever. And I think the reality to me, for every every teacher that I’ve studied with spirituality, and and anything that I’ve ever seen, or firsthand, experienced there, it’s not black and white like that, because we’re complex, because other people are complex, because the world is a complex interplay of so many different things. It just is not ever going to be a one size fits all approach where you could say, well, yeah, just feeling good. And then you’ll manifest everything. Like Well, cool, but is that going to be the case in every single situation you will ever come across in your 90 some years of living or however long you live, right? Probably not. I mean, maybe. But look, you know, we look around and we say how likely is it so This is where we have to look at ourselves and say, my toolkit. And my approach to myself needs to be as broad as I necessitate it to be. If you have a very close knit life, and you don’t do a lot, you don’t see a lot, you don’t go a lot, you might not need as much. And there is no judgment, what I’m saying that that’s totally fine for a choice, right. And that is true, the more that we have, but you know, people who are like, I want to leave a legacy, I want to build an empire, I want to change the world, I want to people who remember my name, I want to feel like I change how humans think, in the future. If you’re that that will never fit. Do you know what I’m saying? It’s too expansive, to be fit into such a narrow model. And so things like flowing between, I take action, and I’m disciplined, and yet I don’t stomp through my emotions, I don’t gaslight my own thoughts, I don’t scream internally at my own inner child to do. So. That’s what it looks like. And what’s cool about that is, as we practice doing that within ourselves, think about it, your relationships with your partner, your relationship with your kids, if you have any. If if you have a relationship with coworkers, or you are a boss, or you have employees, or you work on a team, it does not matter. It changes, it changes your effectiveness out in the world, when you can manage yourself in this way. Because none of what I’m saying is ever including the absence of compassion, and empathy and care for what’s actually valid and true. And resourcing it up in order to be supported, no matter what. Right? And, to me, that’s where it does a couple of things, you get to be someone that delivers messages in an impactful way and say the things that people need to hear whether they want to hear it, or not necessarily, but it’s done in a way where they know that it is always in their best interest. And they if you say something good about that, if you compliment them, if you give them kudos, if you’re like that was an amazing job, they actually know you’re serious, right? If you’re willing to be honest with someone on all levels, and still given the resources to take care of all of who they are right? That That message is never from the absence of support, then people trust you to be honest. And when you say good things about them, they don’t wonder if you’re just like giving them platitudes. They don’t wonder if you’re lying so that they buy stuff, they just know that you’re going to say what you think. And sometimes for me that isn’t living like I this is what I’m seeing. And so chances were like, This is a boundary that I’m setting in response to this, and this was happening, right and, and you get to address things in a way that you want to address them. And still be as authentic and true. As you know, at this current level to be obviously we all hope to grow and expand and know ourselves more and that’ll change. But for right now that’s like that’s where the people just know what to expect with you. And it’s because it’s just you, it’s not a fake is not a fraud. And it’s not a people pleasing manipulation, Mirage, so that you feel comfy in the world and get the love and the connection that you need without, you know, rejection or abandonment. And that when we are coaches and leaders, that’s not appropriate, right? That’s not the kind of place that we need to act from to get love in that way, especially through people who are giving us money. That is for for your dog for your things, right? Yeah, right? Like get the love from the love that you have. At the same time. This is not where transformation happens effectively, right? And so these two things, these two aspects of mining the gap. They’re so broad in their scope, that these two things in my mind, even though there are other options. If you executed on these two, it would solve virtually most problems that come up either in general transformation or somebody else’s? Because they’re the reason that they’re so broad is or not the reason the fact that there’s a rod makes them that versatile makes these concepts so applicable across all situations that if you mix and match to these results, the it will always work it because it’s always set based on is this working for the person. So if it’s not you keep going until it does. Now, someone, someone may flake out and leave or whatever, but other than that you just keep going until you get it. So to me, and you might be hearing some of my training is in conventional MD is in interventional pain for chronic pain things. We are the heart stop, right other doctors send their pain patients to us. We don’t have anybody doesn’t pain patients do we are the pain doctors. So this is how I see coaching to when you see yourself as someone who gets results, because you’re willing to have the habit of just trying new things and reiterating and shaking out until it works. Provided Do you think it’s worth doing that for and yes, there are some things that just need to be stopped but seeing it through then you can always do that and and then internally it works the same way. That means that people can actually build their business and see it through to having the impact and the income and the clientele that they’re actually looking for instead of giving up too early. Alright, so that’s what I have for you happy minding the gap would love to hear from you shoot us an email or DM and I’ll catch you on the next episode.