Dr. Alex Golden discusses the pressure to conform to societal expectations, leading to a “good girl” persona and internal conflict. She also explains how our brains organize and represent conflicting ideas and emotions, keeping them separate to make sense of complex adult experiences.
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Hello, Hello, Alex here with you. Welcome to the Becoming Zesty podcast. So glad that you are here. Welcome. Welcome. All right, we are going to be talking today about something really near and dear to my heart, it is the most lucrative business tool that most people don’t know how to use. And this really I’m gonna cut to the chase is all about inner conflict. So what the heck does a business duel and inner conflict have together? Well, that’s what this podcast is about. And, you know, you might be listening and going, well, you know, I’m new to business, or I am just thinking about starting a business? And what does inner conflict have to do with anything? Well, basically, inner conflict is a really, really powerful way for our brands to create resolution in our lives. And really, that is to say, if it’s represented in our physical brains, then there are there’s something happening that represents that in all four bodies, mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. And so whenever we have something like inner conflict, there is always a reason that we have that. And so how is inner conflict even set up? And like, why would we be conflicted on the inside, when there’s just one of us, he would think it would be pretty easy to come into agreement with yourself. But that’s not always the case. Well, it works like that. So when we are growing up, we begin to have experiences, and our brain begins to make meaning of right. Let’s say something really hurts your heart when you’re a little kid. And then you make the determination of, oh, I’m too much, right? You were really excited about something, and someone really shot you down hard. And now you’re like, oh, man, that that didn’t feel then let me be a little bit less. Right. So many of us have had this. And so we begin to have the, and I had this as, which is why I use this example. I kind of had the like, I knew what the world expected me to look like, sort of. Now there’s a lot of content contradictions in those instructions, which made it very confusing, but kind of new. And I think most of us do on some level of the if we play by the rulebook and do all the we call it the checklist life, right? look a certain way sound a certain way, say the right things. Agree with people in a certain way. Say yes, or no in certain patterns. Then, you know, we essentially that’s kind of like for me, it was this like good girl persona of if I hit these checkboxes, then I am good. And what that meant for me was that other people One would deem me as a good person or looking like I had my stuff together. And then we also have other experiences in life, where it was like the interpretation that was made was this acting out sort of, of, oh, yeah, you don’t like this and watch this. And the word that we used to teach is mismatching, right? I, that part of me was going to do the opposite of, of what people expected, or we’re going to force me into and all of that. And so we have, oftentimes, the interplay of like the good girl or the good boy. And the mismatch, or which is just the one that is independent, is forward thinking just basically very opinionated, and doesn’t want to really be conformed or have to force herself or himself to be be conforming to something. And so that kind of that kind of understanding of the world, is then kept organized by the brain, that is to say, the ideas that we have around, let’s say, good girl, or good boy Nance, growing up, then is kept in a certain aspect of the brain, and they’re all linked up, we call it the neural net, have some sort of a concept, we have a neural net, for all the aspects of us that we can have inner conflict about, there’s the part of us that feels confident, and all the experiences that we have around confidence and being confident and doing something confidently, is all in one area. And it’s all linked up. And it can all get triggered in unison. And then there’s the non confident the not worthy, the Oh, I feel like crap about myself. And that is another and you kind of, I’m sure, as I’m talking you, you can relate to the experiences of one sort of event triggers you to be like, oh, yeah, I really can do this, and something else happens, and all of a sudden, you’re really in your disempowerment, oh, my gosh, does not nothing works out, or, Oh, this doesn’t really work, or I never really got there, right. And then it all feels like that. And so that is essentially how those aspects of ourselves is created and then represented in the brain is that to make sense of that, it has to be together, and it has to be sort of set apart. I mean, as a five-year-old, it’s very difficult to contextualize the complexities of adult life, right? You kind of have to keep them separate. Because for me to feel like I understand the checkboxes as a kid and be like, Oh, what do my parents want to see that they’re gonna call a good girl for me, or good boy for you, or whatever. That had to be that, in order for that, to be simple, it had to be kept apart. So essentially, we have these walled-off aspects of ourselves. And by design, they are meant to be a little more discrete from one another, of course, we everything is connected in the brain and within ourselves, everything else, but at the same time, there are mechanisms in place that as a conscious mind uses to really it’s a form of protection and of, of functioning out in the world. And part of why our job is and why we’re talking about it as a business tool, is really to heal those misunderstandings in those misinterpretations. And those earlier decisions that we made that can be limiting. And to use that to our advantage to cultivate really, that the benefit of inner conflict is self awareness. And that right, there really is why in our conflict becomes one of the most lucrative business tools because any business or any sort of undertaking that you have, whether you’re new to business or thinking about it or whatever, or if you’re even just working with your own family, how do I communicate my thoughts, my desires, my leadership to my own family, right? That that’s an undertaking in its own right, just as much as anything out in the world, right. This can be directed in any way. But it becomes a very lucrative and very powerful tool. Because if we can enter conflict begins to alert us to some sort have, you know walling off between one aspect of ourselves within a different aspect of ourselves? If we are willing to look at, oh, I flagged this as enter conflict as an I’m torn, I’m hurt by what this person did. But I also understand why they did it. And that makes it difficult for me to, you know, be mad and feel guilty, for example, or I really want to vulnerably share to connect with my partner. But in the past, when I’ve shared that was used against me, and that was very, very painful for me, right? Anytime that we flag it, we then begin to automatically by design, it becomes a resource, because if we can say, Oh, I have inner conflict as in, there’s two, or maybe more parts of me that have different understandings and have come to a different interpretation and are now are responding in two different ways. As long as I’m willing to look at that, I already began to cultivate a much, much more powerful self awareness within myself. Now, anytime we have self awareness, this is where it gets really lucrative and fun and powerful, is that anytime that we have cultivated self awareness, as long as we are able to see that information as neutral information, as it is a, I’m not cultivating self awareness to say, look how messed up I am, I’m not cultivating self awareness to say, Oh, I always do this, look at how I’m sabotaging myself, which is where sometimes people go. But if we’re willing to say, this is what it is now, and I am willing to work with myself to make sense of this, to make this more understandable for myself to make it more supportive of what I want to accomplish, to negotiate with within this self awareness of harm. If not, I now understand that this is why I do something or why I feel a certain way. What is it then that I need to help myself accomplish this, right? It’s not an order to self deprecate yourself or inflict pain onto yourself, is to say, if this is me, and I believe me, and I accept me. It’s kind of like the GPS I’m putting mutual data into this is where I am. This is where I consciously want to go? What path? What are what paths? Do I want to explore over there? And what do I want to pack and my bag to go with? Right? What’s my toolkit going to be? And if I don’t know, one of the parts of the toolkit can be asking for help, right, we can always get more information from people who have gone before us. And there’s plenty of people that teach all these concepts. And so really, this is where once that gets going once we can translate inner conflict, to self awareness to customize action for ourselves. Right? That is to say, no one can really tell you how he wants to deal with you. And thank goodness, most of the time, people find this such a relief, because this first time they’re getting to have the kind of parent that they really wanted growing up and the kind of parent they want now and the kind of parent they likely want to be. Right. And so as we begin to get resource on utilizing that self awareness and taking action on what we learn there, the healing of that inner conflict really becomes this beautiful and powerful integrating of integration of us evolving as a human being. And as a being at large, really, it becomes this. The negotiation itself is the healing because in order for the negotiation to happen, the walls between you and you must come down, and they are coming down as we as you do any sort of process that cultivates these steps. That’s what happens, the walls come down, and we begin to have a much higher level grown up understanding of interpreting these two things, right. How do I reconcile that I am both someone very cool Infinite and someone who experiences periods of not feeling confident, right? How do I experience vulnerability, and also have a fear of vulnerability and also be able to support my own fear and see myself in my own fear and give love to myself while I’m in fear, right? That is the healing. That is what it looks like. And no matter what you do in business or in life, that healing is what people look at and say, Oh, I know that they walked that path. And they can both diagnose what’s going on with me and begin to help me heal, right? They have the, they have a solution. And that makes us magnetic. That means that we live our business lives and our persuasive, influential lives as a leader is 100% of the time. You might be sitting at home by yourself, but what you put out into the world, that feeling of healing, and coming into union with you and you, and as you walk that path, knowing that that’s who you are, and that’s who you’re becoming, and walking in the confidence of, there is nothing that keeps me from me, there is nothing that can figure out me but me, right, there is no one forcing me to do anything. But what I choose to put on my plate, the way that you feel waking up in the morning is different, right. And so that’s whereas we walk that path, it gets better and better and better. Because everything that we do then becomes infused with the identity of who we are. And when we infuse our identity of who we are and the our creations on the world, whether that’s the dinner you made, or the podcast you recorded, whatever it is, the way you move then becomes its own energy, and its own power and its own momentum. It’s kind of like a train, right? And that inner unity begins to shine a light for people out in the world to say, Oh, I this feeling that I have I know that there’s something more for me out there. I know that it could be better. And most of us have that feeling. And without resources, oftentimes, our only choice is to kind of tamp it down. But we’re not talking about tamping it down here. We’re, we’re really talking about leadership here at Becoming Zesty, right, everything that we do is how can we be role models for a faster transforming healing world? And it starts with us, right? And everybody always talks about that. But this is what it looks like. We are going to be teaching more in parts masterclasses in terms of inner conflict, how do we utilize it? What resources do we have to work within ourselves? And of course, you know, us at zesty over here, we are going to make resources and tools and teach you how to work with yourself and negotiate how to speak. We have all of that because we passionately, passionately believe in teaching people that how everybody says get to know yourself. Most of them don’t tell you had to do it. And we really, really feel strongly about giving people the resources that are the answer. How does someone negotiate with themselves? Well, we’re gonna be teaching you exactly how to do that. Check out the links in the show notes. And definitely come on to the master classes, the live calls that we have, we always give opportunities to ask questions to gain understanding. And of course, to take this into your own life, get the benefit, live the benefit, showcase the benefit to the world, and ultimately help the world become a better place. We’re sending you lots of love. We’ll see you on the next podcast and on the live call.