The Missing Component of Confidence

In this episode, we dive into the world of leadership and personal growth with Dr. Alex Golden. She shares insights on confidence, emotional intelligence, and their pivotal roles in effective leadership and personal development.In this episode, we dive into the world of leadership and personal growth with Dr. Alex Golden. She shares insights on confidence, emotional intelligence, and their pivotal roles in effective leadership and personal development.

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Transcript:
Dr. Alex Golden

Hello, everybody, today we are going to be talking about the missing component when it comes to self esteem, and good self confidence. And these are big topics where people, I think it’s safe to say all across the board, most of us want good self esteem, we want to feel confident within ourselves. And for a lot of us we’ve understood we’ve come to understand the value of showing up in the world from a confident place. It’s not just so that we feel good. But we also understand that a lot of times to get the results, especially as leaders, you know, it’s one thing to consider or think of ourselves as leaders. But does that get transmitted and how we speak and how we move and how we talk and really in to summarize it does it show up and how we live. So this whole confidence conversation is really key. Because when it comes to getting the job done, if we know that that’s part of getting results and part of the buy in that people have in us, then it’s no small thing to say I need to work on my self esteem and I need to work on being confident and feeling confident. And the I think that, you know, we’ve talked about confidence a lot here on the podcast and sort of debunking the understanding that you can just work on feeling confident sitting there doing things like subconscious reprogramming, those things are amazing. And we obviously as NLP trainers and subconscious reprogramming experts, obviously we are way on board with that concept. The problem is that confidence often comes from the evidence of results, right? Otherwise, it is difficult without evidence to program. That feeling that state that understanding within ourselves just the same way, it’s a little bit more challenging to reprogram beliefs, or we have hefty negative evidence against something right. And we all anyone who’s in this space has generally found that to be true. So the flip side is also the case is hard to generate without evidence and then like, well, I’m successful, and you’re sitting there, you know, it’s not in the place where you want to be, your own brain is never going to not understand that in some way. We can cover up with a lot of stuff, but boy, it’s still gonna be like when I look around my reality, this is what it is right? And so in that way when it when it comes to the self esteem and self confidence conversation, it’s important for us to understand how it works. And then, of course then to say, Well, what’s what’s missing? Why? Why is the evidence not beginning to appear? When I say I want to be more confident I want to be I want to come across as someone who perceives our own value, and that’s able to come across in a way that hits you know, and is understood and is and as notice now what’s done with that in the action course that’s up to everybody, but that’s really what we’re going for. And so part of that is we We really have to, I’ll use the word fight, even though not really a conflict type of fight, but it’s like a positive, we have to be in a warrior in battle towards our own feeling of confidence. And that often looks like overcoming some obstacles right there, the evidence needs to get created. But to start it that drive of, I understand that this is something that I need to cultivate. And part of it is persevering through that I need to get to the spot where there are just results for me to look at. And point to and understand that that is something I did. And I feel proud of that. Even if it’s not the full picture, right? A lot of times we’re like, well, let’s because I can’t get to the 100% we don’t need to at the 2% mark moving towards 100% feels a heck of a lot better than spinning your wheels at 0%. wondering, you know, am I stuck? Am I always going to be stuck? Why can I get unstuck and all of that stuff, right? Putting the one foot in front of the other begins to get evidence gives gives us feedback. And it’s something we can work with. So what are the missing components, and it’s a bit of a catch 22 Because the missing component are missing components. And so let me explain what I mean by that. A lot of times, people are trying to have their faith and their trust and their confidence, and a system that is lacking for themselves. And what do I mean by that? Sometimes it can be very practical, right as business folks who want to impact the world positively and serve humanity. When we want to feel confident, but we have big competency gaps, as in we are, you know, past our training have I have knowledge to impart, but can I move people? can I persuade humans to see how I live and how I think and and can I get someone to, you know, see the compelling future that I’m showing them and move themselves in that direction. All of that is a competency thing, right? So often, like when I graduated medical school, and even from residency, it was like, okay, just tell them what you know, and that’ll be, then they’ll know you’re a good doctor. And that’s cool. And, well, some of that is absolutely true. There’s obviously a lot more to that, that goes into working with humans. And for all of us, no matter what field you’re in. It’s the emotions, it’s the leading people through their emotions, it’s communication, it’s resolving misunderstandings, it’s setting boundaries, it’s mean, finding flexibility, all of those things are often massively missing from any training institution process, right, or wherever it’s covered, there’s minimalistic aspects to it. And so for one, a lot of times there’s competency issues. And when we hop on the phone to speak with people who are interested and do join our seven day certification for nlp hypnosis, live coaching, those people are often they are very good at what they do. But they have begun to understand that there are key components missing that there’s nothing wrong with them. It’s just a competency of picking up new skills and resources that cover the rest of how people actually live, how they move, how they think what moves them, right? Lots and lots and lots of amazing health coaches are out there. And they are very frustrated because their people don’t implement the amazing stuff they say, and they don’t feel that good about themselves. Right. So for all of that, that is where we come in, that’s really any training that somebody has. What our work does is allows it to be utilized to its full extent, right to be applied and life and real cohesiveness and, and to make it all work together. So that I would say is statistically speaking on our side of the street from what we do, one of the more common ones like statistically common that it’s less of a personality flaw or inadequacy, or you know, something really wrong with a person. They just have never had the chance to be taught how do you process if you’ve never been taught what your emotions mean, and how to process them? How on earth do we expect to process and move the emotions and get the AHA with our clients? Right? Lots and lots and lots of utility on that. So that’s a really common common one. The other thing is sometimes people will feel the the insecurity, the low confidence and gaps in their plans. As in you know, if you have if you’re new and you have nervousness about, you know, am I doing things correctly as my business You know, is all the infrastructure and the legal paperwork done correctly, those kinds of things, and it can often eat away us because we’re like, I don’t want to get too big because it could expose the cracks in the foundation that I have. And so that low confidence is sort of almost playing an important role for safety. And of course, there’s lots of other ways to get at it. I just paid for a service where it’s a Li, legal help, and it’s a paid monthly thing for a very low cost and, and it just in life in general, it made me have an AHA about how much like open ended questions or like open doors for mental Gremlins to come be like, what about this? What about this scenario? What if this happens, but not a closing that door and saying this is what I am not, not just looking at it and pretending like that, it’s not going to happen? I literally just took care of that side of the street. That is it. Then from that place, I once again proved to me just how important this is. That’s not something I could have out hypnosis or out visualizer out programmed, right as like, if my brain knows that those things happen, and their possibilities will by golly, I’m gonna go do that. And, and once I did, I felt my emotional compass in alignment with that it was like, whew, yeah, okay, we were doing the thing. And that’s awesome. Number three, it could be lack of people do, do we have sometimes, especially as visionaries, we see the potential of where we can go right. And from that place, sometimes, we can miss up on the urgency with which it is. Now this one’s tricky, because for a lot of people, it’s actually procrastination. That’s a big thing. So I’m always hesitant to talk about the other end of the spectrum, because sometimes people are like, Oh, right. Yeah, no, I shouldn’t do that. And here is sorry, as a dissuasion, from what they’re supposed to do that that’s not at all what I mean, right? If there’s something calling in your heart, and it feels like it’s time, awesome. What I mean by that is, when we feel like we’re forcing something that we’re like, Can I do it faster and faster and faster, and around here, we love faster. But sometimes we need to let all of the players that are going to be in our world and making the impact with us mature and grow into that. And sometimes that person’s us, right? And so we can be careful to not get into victim mode and blaming people and things like that, if there’s things that we need to all come together on, and there’s conversations to be had and relationships to be grown into. That can be a sticking point for the confidence. It’s like, if you’re not meant to do it alone, you’re trying to lift that whole weight. Well, your brain Your spirit is going to say, is going to start talking to you and what is that going to be? Well, probably some emotions and maybe not fun one. So all of these things can really begin to cultivate that feeling of lack of self esteem and lack of self confidence. flipping that around really to say Ooh, okay, look at how I handle this. Now I’m more equipped next time I get to this place next time I feel myself forcing, I’m going to slow it down, ask what’s going on here? What Why do I feel the need to force where’s that insecurity? Coming from that I need this to happen so that I can feel okay about myself. And then number four, lastly, is that lack of accounting for a holistic life sometimes we’re like, I’m gonna go balls to the wall and I’m gonna go do you know, do my business and that’s where we can get into a little bit of let’s call it for these various self sabotage even though you know, we’ve talked on the podcast that doesn’t really exist from a brain perspective, but you find yourself sort of undercutting and not doing the things that like let’s say you were doing it last week and all of a sudden you find yourself not doing you’re like Wait, why am I going backwards? Right? Well, sometimes that forcing pressure have let me go ham on this one area. If there are things that you feel you will lose out on like connection with your family, love with your partner, feeling belonging and inside your circle in your, your space, those things will always give that off kilter feeling as well as to us. So if we’re like, Yeah, I’ll lose all of that interest in money but you in your spirit are not aligned in your values. With that. You will find it very hard to move yourself and you’ll find yourself wondering what was wrong with me why why is my personality like this? Why am I so lazy? Well, it’s not any of that. The reality is your soul is not going to tank your marriage and your relationship with your kids and your best friend and all that just to, you know, what, however it assigns, if it’s like, well, that’s not worth having more shoes, or bags, or cars or trips or properties or you know, whatever, wherever it goes, If that value is higher, where humans often don’t give that up, right, it’s too, those values are too important to us. And so we won’t move in. And it can really say, Oh, well, what if I don’t need to approach myself with so much blame? Or so much anger? What if I could come out and say, like, what is going on? You’re more on like curiosity. And I know that’s kind of cliche and overused, on the you know, approach it with curiosity. But I don’t think it has to be a big, you know, forcing yourself into toxic positivity, like gaslighting, oh, you know, what, what is so great about this? Right? It can just, it can just be the acknowledgement of what’s going on what you really want, and how you need to move to account for that, right. And maybe that’s just a missing component. And, and for us, we’ve worked that into our business life for Megan, for her to have a set of time in the summer, she’s always had that from the time that I met her. And that’s something that we stuck with as a business. And so together, you know, we have figured it out, and anybody in their business in their life can do so it’s just as a matter of blaming and things like that, right. So for a lot of it, there’s real practical pneus that can come into play. And it’s such a relief, because all those things that we do to work on the self esteem and work on the confidence and try to like pony it up and do all those things are great when they’re added to this type of thinking and a life that is focused on getting you results. And it has less to do with just blaming, shaming, guilting, all of that stuff. So what what’s going on here? How can I make this better for myself? How would this feel best? Right? Those kinds of conversations, those flavor of questions can go a long, long way. Thank you so much for joining me. We have a replay of a masterclass that we did recently. I’m going to put the link in the show notes. So check that out. You can check that out at any time. And of course, come find us on social media becoming zesty. And you can always shoot us an email support at becoming zesty.com. I’ll catch you all later.