Talking To Ghosts Sometimes?

In this episode, Dr. Alex discusses the “ghosts” that influence us as we grow up, the pre-programmed beliefs we carry, and how acknowledging these can help us become more authentic individuals, particularly as leaders.

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Hello, hello, everybody. Welcome to the Becoming Zesty podcast. Or if you’re on our YouTube channel, hello over there with video. And if you didn’t know that we had a YouTube channel, then check it out. It’s @becomingzesty over on YouTube. So today I wanted to talk about are you talking to go sometimes now this is not a medic metaphysical discussion, actually. Alright, so we’re not going to get into actual ghosts. What we are going to be talking about today is I feel like a very healthy PSA that we need to start introducing as leaders and coaches and practitioners. And you know what, however you classify yourself as a leader, the concept of when I talk to somebody as a leader, who am I actually speaking to? So what do we actually mean by that? We are all programmed with things as we grow up, that happens on every single topic you can possibly imagine. I remember one day as an adult when I realized that, given my Russian upbringing, the way that that culture is there is more of that traditional gender role portion of the culture. And I realized as an adult that I had never opened my fridge and thought I can just grab anything I want from here. Like in my mind, I had grown up being like dad gets a certain that like if Dad wants this, then I don’t need it. Now no one told me you know, growing up, it wasn’t like my parents didn’t feed me that’s not all true. My mom loves to she’ll force feed anybody. But essentially, they that’s just kind of how I saw it. Have he got the biggest portion in my mind, he got the biggest fork. I don’t know why as a kid, I would organize like the size of the person was the corresponding to the size of the utensil they got when I said the table. But that’s kind of how my mind worked. And so it was a really crazy aha for me when I realized oh my gosh, I’ve been living my adult life. I haven’t lived with my parents and more than I did live with them. Right. I crossed that threshold a long time ago. And yeah, I was still living like I was that kid growing up in that culture. And I had been with an American man from a completely different culture for 17 years. And we had lived together for a long time. My we were married for about 10 years. And so it was crazy to consider the fact that I had had all those experiences. And yet none of them had ever changed that original programming that I’d had as a kid in relation to that. So that’s just one small refrigerator related, you know, example and who really cares about that? I mean, of course, if that’s relevant for healing, health, way, whatever, obviously that would be relevant for in my life. It was kind of an interesting one. But if you think about it, in every single room of your house, you probably have pre programmed beliefs. How do dining rooms work? What can you do on couch? Can you? Were you allowed to jump on a couch? Are you? I mean, I couldn’t you do take your shoes off when you come in the house? Do you say hello? Do you stop what you’re doing when your partner comes in and give them their undivided attention your undivided attention? Or is it considered okay to keep working? Right? Every single thing that we do essentially is programmed until we are cognizant of it and choose to change it now. So now you can be cognizant of it and not and want to change it and not get there because you don’t have the resources. Or sometimes you realize, oh, I don’t want to make that choice. That’s totally fine. But long story short, is that at the end of the day, until we are cognizant, and then do something about it, we are playing out programs. And so then when we are speaking to someone, we are often talking to a program that is running that was not set by you likely or set by them likely, it might be somebody else entirely. They might not even be around on the planet anymore. It’s possible, or they might be right, any situation can happen. But the whole story is if you are a leader of humans, and we don’t realize that we’re not talking to that person in this reality at this point in time all the time, if we don’t recognize that things become really sticky. Because Have you been in conversations where you’re like, I don’t know why they’re fighting me so hard. I don’t I’m like saying the same thing that they are. Like, I don’t understand why they’re getting defensive. I’m also agreeing with them on the point of their defense. And really, you’re like, I know, You’ve been busy. I just asked for this. And they’re like, but I’ve been busy. And you’re like, oh, my gosh, I just literally said that what’s what is happening in this conversation? Well, that is what is happening in that conversation. That’s exactly what’s happening in that conversation, that is to say, something in that in this interaction triggered the activation of a neural network from the past and that person, so they are often running that program, irrespective of the things that we’re doing that don’t fit that old pattern anymore. You might be saying literally the words, I’m not mad at you, I’m just saying this. And they’re like, I feel like you’re mad at me, right. And so that’s where they’re not actually talking to you and that moment, and you’re not really talking to them. In that moment. There’s this third party ghost of where’s that filter that’s been set, something is happening. And we’re both more interacting with that sometimes than we are with the actual person. Now, sometimes you’re trying to interact with the person in your life. And that’s where not realizing that there’s a ghost of something or somebody there in the middle. The conversation is so tough, right? It can, that’s where we feel like we’re going round and round and round in circles and a fight or an argument or even just like, you’re just broke bugging each other and rubbing each other the wrong way. But you can’t quite say how, right? And that’s where if we recognize, okay, is Can I listen closely to their words? If I listen to what they’re actually saying, Can I start to get an understanding of what they’re actually speaking about what is going on in their world? Now, it takes a lot of self development and self awareness for us to be able to do that. So that is, of course, not a short order. And so do you have to do it with everybody? Absolutely not. This is only for people that you love, and you are wanting a connection with and you want to work with them. And you are you want them to be in your life and you you know, sign the program agreement and whatever this is not. If someone’s not for you, they’re not for you. That’s not what this discussion is about. But when someone is that one of the most loving things we can do is start to get in the habit of listening like this, of allowing people to have a safe space around their programs without necessarily getting bused. And now when they’re there for coaching with you and for a leadership with you, that’s where they have the buy in to then do something about it. Right. And so that awareness then leads to resourcing, and that leads to action that leads to resolution and the next thing but when it comes to family and partnership and things like that, that’s where often we can’t coach and we shouldn’t be coaching those people. They didn’t sign up for it. They just love us and they are minding their own business right existing But when we are in those interactions, and we have the our wits about us, and we get the sense Oh Ha, I’m getting triggered by this thing. Or maybe I’m just even getting triggered by how this conversation is going, if I can recognize it, I can start to take my self out of that fight, I can start to see, oh, there’s a bigger thing happening here, that isn’t all about me. Now, if there are things like needs that need to be met, or, or discussions to be had, of course, I think circling back around to those things is always key and always important. And I’ll always encourage communication. But on the flip side, sometimes that’s where in that moment when it when someone is clearly running off a program. And there’s a lot of activation, sometimes it’s so powerful, just cool the situation down by acknowledging that people need to take a beat, there’s other things going on here. And maybe taking some, a couple deep breaths, maybe screaming into a pillow, maybe I’ll separate and, you know, process on your own or whatever, and come back together. But long story short, there’s not necessarily then the vilification, like, we don’t have to say is bad that we have these ghosts. In fact, if we all are running all those pro old programs till we find them, we kind of want people to do that for us, too. Generally speaking, it’s like, we want to have someone say, Oh, wait, hold on, how can I give you a little more latitude to do have your experience without then interjecting myself, now you’re hurting my feelings. Now it’s all about me. It’s a, that’s a really fast way to get into a crappy little loop where it’s like, well, if you didn’t do this, and I want to do that, and then I want to feel like this. So I don’t feel like helping you here, right. And you’re just kind of ended up in a standoff. Instead, these kinds of conversations just remind us to treat each other with a little more compassion, a little more and gentleness and a little more awareness of this is a collaborative thing when we work together on something later and later, like the I’m talking about in partnership, and friendships and things like that, we all need each other to see that where the friction is because elusive self awareness. And then of course, with coaching clients and people that were leaning, that’s really what they’re there for. So of course, all of that then becomes normalized, is just a more, more flowy way I think of walking that path to say, I can recognize when I’m talking to a ghost, and then I can have whatever resourcing fits my business, my approach whatever to allow that to be well then still coming up with a plan to address it in the future. But the this is the art of avoiding those explosive moments, those moments of frustration, the moments of were like refunding or now we have to let’s prorate your package, because this isn’t working well. or Now let’s break up if it’s a partnership, or relationship or whatever, that this is what we’re dealing with, we can like it or not like it, we can be like, I never pick this stuff I was programmed with your right, that’s absolutely true. But when we’re walking around with the brain that we got, in whatever programming we have, we can really, I feel like bring the love to more of this planet more to each other and more leaders can can have that space that they need and the support that they need to work on whatever programming that they have to unpack, right. We we like the the saying of it’s not your fault that it happened, but it’s your responsibility to deal with it. Because that insofar as I can tell the most accurate approach when it comes to working through our own traumas, and really living a life where we’re committed to self developing, or were like I am becoming more of me in this lifetime. And that is my goal here. That’s what that’s part of what I came here to do. And that’s how I’m gonna choose to live this life. And so as we then see each other and witness each other’s ghosts and love on each other more like that. I do believe that we will create a really powerful platform of leaders that then become more unshakable than leaders ever have been. No, this isn’t the kind of leadership where you have the The force and coerce and and take power and take control and military my like that’s kind of human history right? But what does future leadership look like what is the evolution of leadership and that, to me looks like authenticity where we say, I know myself well enough to know that I have things like programmed ghosts. And I’m okay with my unpacking that as I go in life knowing that I’m getting better and better. And it’s okay for me to be that work in progress. Once we’re there, that’s where life can be a work in progress. Other people can be a work in progress. And we really free up ourselves. Instead of looking at life from a judgmental place, to flipping that around, and looking so much more lovingly and compassionately at ourselves, those around us. And then of course, the world at large. So really powerful thing and it doesn’t actually it’s free. It doesn’t take much time. But this awareness is so profound on so many different levels and can really revolutionize your life experience. So sending you lots and lots of love. Thank you so much for joining me for this podcast episode. Check out our NLP Essentials program going on right now it’s going to be in the shownotes. It is a powerful way for you to learn languaging How does someone and you use language to straight share what programs they’re running? How can you tell from people’s language, exactly what’s going on how they see the world and why they act the way they do, essentially, if you hope to move people on this planet into a better place, this is so so key and really powerful stuff. So check that out in the show notes and I’ll catch you on the next episode. Thanks!