Fearing And Liking Emotions

Dr. Alex Golden discusses the societal norms around emotional expression, highlighting the tension between what is deemed acceptable and individual experiences.

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Transcript:
Dr. Alex Golden

Hello, Hello, doctor. Welcome to the becoming zesty podcast. So glad that you are here. Today we’re going to talk about how so many of us feel like a part of us is so understanding of emotions, and a part of us is so freaked out by feeling our feelings. Now, I am guessing that everybody listening can relate to that in some capacity. And oftentimes I do find that the people are like, nope, nope, totally fine. Don’t ever run with emotions are the people who are like really, really, really not liking emotion. So, you know, I don’t know, I don’t know, each individual person tuning in here. And I can still having worked with hundreds of 1000s of people over the last decade or so like Megan and I have we really see those patterns emerging. And so often, the emotional body is not spoken about. And so as a society, we tend to be a little bit behind the ball on even just understanding what emotions are, what their role is. And then you know, forget actually dealing with them or feeling comfortable with them. That just to me has not happened yet on the planet. Now are there pockets? Absolutely. Cuz you have grown up in a family that was really emotionally intelligent and had a lot of resources for you. Yet, most people that I have come across aren’t in that category. And so this is one of those things that unacknowledged inner conflict within ourselves is very, very, very scary. Because we can really find ourselves knowing we want to do something and still not doing it. And there’s consequences to that the confidence the self worth, that’s doubts, the second guessing the not even seeing the possibilities around you. Because you don’t see them, you don’t think that it’s for you, you don’t think it’s possible, or whatever it is, there’s real damage that can become accrued, when we don’t have the answers or the awareness to inner conflict. Because really, at the end of the day, most people are not as bothered by external conflict. But when they can’t figure out within themselves what they want, or what they want to do, or how they want to do it. There’s real things that happen, and they are not fun at all. So that’s why, you know, this topic is such a big one. And it’s part of what we’re wanting to impact in the world. And that’s a we this is part of a bigger teaching that we’re going to do in our upcoming training. So we have our parts training, self sabotage and why working on it’s making it worse. We are going to be talking about what self sabotage looks like as inner conflicts. And we’re really going to be giving you the framework to resolve that. How do you resolve something like this? How do you negotiate with yourself? A lot of people come out and are like, You should stop arguing with yourself you should stop beating yourself up you should speak nicely to yourself. You should not you know you should know how to negotiate and those statements are all lovely and I agree with them but what really really really grinds my gears family style, fam family guys out is the fact that they don’t ever tell you how to do it. Right? It’s like know yourself, and then what angels are supposed to come by, like blow their trumpets, and all of a sudden you get it. Like, there has to be a how. And that’s essentially what we put together. And that’s why it’s a free training is just something that is really, really near and dear to our hearts. Because it’s so if it’s gonna hurt people, we don’t we don’t need to leave it unattended. That’s Megan and eyes thinking. So that’s why we have that class coming up totally free, check it out. It’s this Thursday, and there will be a replay if you miss it. So when it comes to emotions, then let’s let’s talk about how does enter conflict happen and what’s going on there. So for so many of us, we actually have parts of us that like emotions, we like feeling touchy feely, we like the feeling like mushy and nostalgic sometimes we like, even just like cathartic tears, and when people love listening to the, the emo sad music and, and cry. And some aspects, people are very bought into emotions, like the things that we all agree are okay, those things that are even like being hangry. Like, it’s funny people will like elect to be hangry when they’re probably not even necessarily feeling that way. It’s just that they’re allowed to, or they feel licensed to and that’s all good. So then they do it. angers are the you know, you watch sports, it’s allowed in that setting. And people often really like it. So people will go to a match a game of whatever, and yell and scream and Lopez and then walk out and go, that was so fun, right? So there’s all the or how to watch the news. All that kind of stuff tends to be in our bucket in our parts. The IS is wired hardwired into our brain for those experiences that are good. Crying, a Hallmark movie, whatever. And then we also have the parts that have the experiences that don’t fit neatly into the the societal structures and the beliefs that we grew up with or are around currently. And so that part is if our emotions are not well timed, if our emotions are last too long, right? How long would someone grieve an event for? What how much is, you know, worry? For a thing happening appropriate? How long is that? How long do you? How long does feeling down in the dumps when something disappoints you? Is that okay? Right? So is the length of time, it’s been too long. Sometimes it’s been, oh, it’s been two days, I need to get over it. Sometimes it’s been two years, I need to get over it, whatever. So time can be a factor in that. And then sometimes it just is one of those where now it’s become so much time that it’s habitual. Now it just really feels like I forgot what aspects of my personally personality existed without this. And therefore I am bothered by my one dimensional view of myself. Now, it’s not necessarily accurate because those other parts are still within you and represented in your brain. But it has that feeling of this is just who I am. I’ve been anxious. I’ve been depressed, I’ve been in pain. I’ve been worried I’ve been in self doubt, I’ve been in low self worth all of that stuff for so long. That’s just what the snapshot looks like. And so all of those aspects and appropriate time length of time, we’re coming up at inopportune moments like crying at work or out with friends or family around the wrong people on the wrong topics. Right? This shouldn’t have me as upset as it does or I understand why I’m upset but I also understand why they did it. So I need to prioritize that over the feeling that I have. When I first realized that it was happening. All of those details are the parts that people tend to squirrel around with for like weather people numb out weather people kind of go to an emotional home like they’re like angers. Okay. Depression isn’t okay. Yeah, let’s go or anxiety that lead let’s go to anger. Now I’m just pissed. But or maybe they keep it all in. Maybe they stuffed it down and just pretend like they feel that but but they don’t ever express it. They don’t have conversations differently. They don’t make decisions differently. Right? They bottle it up. All of that is what the parts that are afraid and fearful of emotions. Those parts are often the ones that really kick up in people and the interplay Between then the part that says this is fine and appropriate, and the part that says Oh, but this stuff is super not fine and not appropriate, they kind of do get out. So when it comes to being fearful of emotions, one of the most powerful ways to begin to bring both aspects of ourselves the part that likes emotions apart, that doesn’t like emotions, in order to improve their relationship with one another and to become an integrated you, this is where I will throw out to you the possibility of saying, what is it that the each part trying to get? What it was, is the accomplishment that they are shooting for? What is the outcome that they’re wanting to achieve? Right? And being fearful of emotions, the more that part speaks up and a lot of people, it really comes down to answering the question of, can I handle emotions? can I handle my emotions?

At the end of the day, for most people, statistically speaking, what they will say that part, the part that doesn’t want to feel the feelings, that’s the main concern is sort of like, yeah, no, I get it. I’ve had positive experience with emotions. That’s not new to me. That’s why people are like, Yeah, I meant to emotions. But the part that’s like, what if I can’t get back out of this depression? What if I can’t pull myself out of this anxiety? What if I can’t ever stop this grieving process? If I go, it feels like it’s going to overtake me. Anytime, anytime, that our problems look like they are bigger than us like in size. That is often an indication that resources are missing. Now, this is going to be true in a lot of different scenarios, but it’s especially true with emotional body. When that problem of you as a multi dimensional being experiencing an emotion in one of the four bodies that you are made up of? Is it really possible for one emotion to overtake you as your totality? No, not really. I mean, most people when when asked that question directly, even if they’re like in their saltiest of moods, for the most part, they’re like, not really, but it sure does feel that way. So I’m not arguing on what it feels like, Am I just pointing out to the, well, the thing that we’re worried about is not accurately bigger than us, per se, right? It can be grief, and grief is intense. But is the grief in one aspect of you on one topic, all of who you are, is that superseded? Most people will say no. Now it is up to you to you know, whatever your answer is, is fine. But because most people will answer no, they begin to flip the script and say, Oh, wait, hold on this view this lens, this perception of it, somehow my my perception has made this up here bigger than it would be represented accurately from the outside. In that case, anytime that that happens, and I can go back and say, Huh, that doesn’t actually seem true, is a really great indication that that is a problem for resourcing. Right? The more solutions, the more tools the more things that you can do to feel them emotions in a way that feels like you’re handling them, not them man handling you. Anytime that we can move them through and have an AHA and a takeaway and get that emotional compass working for us. Anytime that we can have the experience of wow, that was intense and I was able to breathe through it calmed myself, don’t help my body out press on the parasympathetic buttons on my body, help that aspect of me out, really work with myself on the minds on the spiritual aspects. When we do that, and resort and actually have application of the things we know help and then we apply it. That is where we correct the imbalance that has happened and make ourselves proportionally as big as we need to be in the problem, especially of emotions. Smaller than that. With resources, you’ll flip the script, you’ll actually get to see that experience for what it is one aspect of you having one experience in one area of life. Right? It could be a big area life but it’s still one area of life. In most instances, then in that case, as we begin to say, let me ask better questions and those conflicts where some of the motions are cool, some of it not. Why don’t I negotiate? If there’s fear here, what can I add as resources? What tools can I use to decrease that bigness and make it manageable? Because I know in my mind, I understand that this is not insurmountable. This is not greater than who I am at the core of my being right, all of what makes me me, this problem is not bigger than and when it comes to emotional resources, oh, my gosh, they are a diamond doesn’t come to the workshop on the 22nd. We will be teaching we always do any type of teaching training event, we are going to be resourcing people up, because as you can hear, that is our thinking. Anytime that we are dealing with something we need to be resource for it. Every scenario, every emotion, every mindset, stumbling block, every argument you have in your head can be resourced resource. Resources are the answer. And when it comes to conflict, you know, to hear out aspects of yourself. And to really give them validity and to honor them by giving parts of you resources and the things that you need to put one foot in front of the other to make an impact in the world to make the life that you want to live. fun, enjoyable, peaceful, easy, passionate, whatever it is that you want. This is what it looks like. Okay, so big topic today. But there’s not too much. And I think these are questions to ask ourselves. And when we do that we can really get up and running. So first things first, come get some resources. And then you can take it from there, you will be able to fill out the rest of your toolkit in whatever way is going to work for you. So check out in the show notes is becoming xsc.com/sabotage. So anybody that you know, friends, family, that also struggle with things like gosh, I feel like I self sabotage myself, I don’t know why I do things. I really, you know, this wasn’t my intention to do this. But this is what happened. And I don’t even like my own actions. This is this kind of stuff that diamond does. And there’s people really hurting from this. So if you know them, if you know people struggling, please help them out. Just it’s free. It’s not anything that they need to pay for. There’s nothing to you just show up, we’ll do the teaching. So definitely spread the word. Help us reach the people that are feeling bad about this stuff unnecessarily. It’s not a problem with your personality or their personality. You just need resources and who maybe just do a big, deep breath, just to feel the relief of that and just be like, Wow, that’s all of us. Maybe there’s not so many messed up people. Maybe there’s just a bunch of people missing resources. And that’s all there is right? Something to consider. We’re sending you lots of love. We’ll see you Thursday, and we’ll catch you on the next podcast episode.