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Significant Problems or Significance Problem?

Dr. Alex Golden emphasizes the universal human need for significance, often leading to unhealthy comparisons and self-defeat. She also explains how people often create identities around their problems, making it difficult to resolve them.

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Podcast Transcript: 

Dr. Alex Golden  

Hello, Hello, Dr. Alex here with you. Welcome to the podcast. So glad that you’re here. Today we’re gonna be talking about significance. And just about everybody’s will struggle or you know, either struggle or thriving with significance. But it’s something that is really, really applicable to pretty much any human on the planet. Because this is actually a discussion of needs. So throughout this episode, we’re going to be discovering and talking about how needs come up within us and how they can undercut or sort of sabotage, advancement in the progress that we want to make any sort of transformations that we are committing to and are committed to, can sometimes be swayed by understated knees and things like that. And so this is a discussion on that level. So really, no matter what it is that you’re working on, this is one of those questions that because it applies to just about everybody is worthwhile to consider at any given point no matter where you are. Because if things can come under cut, and we may not always perceive that, well, heck, we want to know where the landmines of our transformation are going to be, especially when they are internal landmines kind of like these are so before we dig into that, I just wanted to extend an invitation or a reminder that our two day transformation is happening in Virginia Beach, this event you do not want to miss we two days of full transformation, for a very low price. This is something that we could easily sell for 1000s of dollars, when other people that we know that help with transformation do we charge for things like this for 1000s of dollars? The reason that we don’t is because when we talk about transforming habits, it is such a big sticking point in people’s lives, that our priority is to help. Right? That is the point. And so we want habits to be addressed out in the world in a different way. For people it is such a broad topic. It’s such a big thing, that really at this point, we’re willing to have it be our intro thing, even though we’re doing the whole full days and still doing exactly what we would normally sell. But that’s our service to the world. Like that’s what we believe in. That’s what we do. That’s what how we are that’s who we are right? And so as we play out those identities, we really want it to be a no brainer that isn’t because for like marketing, it really just the only reasoning is it’s lower because we want more people to be able to afford it because the world really needs it. And, you know, as manga and I preach, if any one of us is sitting around looking around going, Gosh, I wish this place would be different, well, then it’s on us to turn that thing around and start the change. And that’s exactly what we’re doing. So that is our thinking. And we hope that you join us. There’s also bonuses for bringing a friend or referring somebody. So just if you have any questions, if you’re like, I can’t quite make this one. But I want to come next time, or anything else, just shoot us an email support at becoming xsc.com. And our fabulous team will help you out. Alright, so now back to the episode, as we talk about transformation and about needs. So one of the main needs for people. And this isn’t a comprehensive, nice discussion. But the need that I’m highlighting that all humans have is significance, right? We all want to feel special. And many, many men have doubts about this. Many men have turned that reality into a financial money making venture and some people have made billions and billions of dollars off that. So as a concept, every single human needs to understand that they have the need for significance. And especially when we are leaders or in business, then we definitely need to understand that everybody that we talked to has a need for significance. The fact that people want to feel significant, it’s not actually just a want, or a desire to need is cool. There’s nothing wrong with that, that to me, that’s just it is what it is. I don’t mean, someone could sit around and talk about how they feel about that. But to me, like, it was just one of the things that comes part and parcel with being a human in the meatsuit. Well, then cool, I’m good on that front. Great, we have needs, one of them is significant. From there, then the question really becomes, especially when we are leading other people in their transformation, and especially when people are choosing accelerate a transformation, as in, I’m ready to help the world and get what I want now, then, or you know, shortly, shortly thereafter, now, then on that, in that route, we need to understand that sometimes for internally for ourselves, or sometimes you’ll notice it and others is that sometimes people have felt so defeated. And their Quest for Significance, like the results that they want, that they actually switched to getting significance from the problems that they have instead, as in, because I have x in my history because I have experienced blank in the past, because blank happened to me. That’s why I have failed all these things. So that desire for the good stuff that I want is no longer I no longer believe it’s available to me, or at least a big portion of me doesn’t think so. Therefore, I’m going to seek significance from having the problems that keep me from the results. And that is where I meet that need. Some people have this on all topics, right. And sometimes within ourselves, we find that one small part of us has sort of given up hope on some small topic, but that’s not how we feel all day long all the time on every single topic. So there needs to there’s some discernment here. Sometimes in yourself, you’ll notice Yes, I have I do seek significance from my limitations. Because most of the time other things have happened where you didn’t get what you wanted, right so that the story will match that feeling because it’s not like anyone just does it willy nilly. No one wants to be doing that. It’s just that what gets created without awareness. So that can happen or sometimes in a client that we’re working with or we’re coaching we can see them or sometimes within ourselves that we know is you know I don’t normally think that but on the subject of love on the subject of money on the subject of Instagram growth on the subject of how my kids and I do X those things we can start to say you know I’ve really I haven’t gotten there and then the but see the need doesn’t go away the need for significance of it comes part and parcel of being a human well, then it doesn’t matter how many times you failed, you still have the need, and it needs to get met. So then sometimes it will get flipped to let me get significance from my, my stuff. The this is often where people make their handles like, you know, warrior for whatever it is, or, or that they’ll put their disease, like their diagnosis and the handle or something, they’ll build their whole business around an identity of something. Right. And often, it is meant to be more of like a reframe. But occasionally what and often I will say, unfortunately, what ends up happening is that because the need is then met in the problem, it is then very difficult to resolve that problem. Because if you lose your significance by not having the problem that makes you significant in the first place, or if it is a laundry list of problems, and that the length of it, and the complexity of those rooms give you the significance. And that’s why you’re unique, well, then it’s hard to get that down, right? It’s hard to actually resolve those things. Because the brain knows why on earth would it get that down, if it’s not going to meet one of your basic needs as being a human? It won’t, right? It’s not, is not to be facetious. It is not trying to be funny, this is not trying to like be difficult in some way, it is literally just meant to be logical, you’re not going to give up your problems when they give you something that significance of look how, look how differently my brain works. Look how differently my body receives things that works when other people look at how differently I perceive certain events, compared to me, or compared to somebody else. Look how long this has been going on. Look how pervasive it has been across a number of people, whatever it is, people start to and you’ll notice in their physiology, where they’re saying their shoulders go back, their head goes up, like the significance is then registered. You look. Either you if you’re saying it or you’re watching it, you’ll see this significance unfolding in the body language, you’ll actually notice that, that that need is being met and that it follows. And so someone could be saying this happened, and then this happened. And then this happened. And it’s still at the same time you’re like, but it’s looking good, right? It’s feeling good, like the actual body language says, There’s something about this that I feel settled in. And so at that point, it’s really, really helpful to actually identify this really this is, first things first, is naming it and saying, and identifying things accurately the way that they are. Because when it comes to needs, you’re not going to not meet a need. It’s more of a discussion on Ooh, actually, now that I have identified how I don’t want to meet it, I need to replace, I need to replace it with something else so that I can get this other thing I don’t want taken care of and completely resolved. Right. So that’s what it looks like. It’s actually a pretty quick fix at the end of the day. Which is why this episode isn’t about the fix, per se, even though you know I kind of just gave you the rundown. It’s pretty easy. But first things first is actually looking at this kind of stuff and saying, if it’s mean, what do I need to admit to myself? What do I need to say? So that I can have the freedom to choose meeting my needs in a new way? And if I’m seeing it in somebody else, what kind of conversation what you know, however it is that you coach, what does it look like to begin to increase the awareness and give them more freedom and choice? How else would they like to accomplish meeting that need? So that because often we’re working with the people to fix the thing that they say, but if that’s how they’re getting significant, I mean, unfortunately, you just got yourself in a bit of a thing on you can’t fix it. They won’t let it go without that right. And so for you to accomplish your work, that may be part of it. Now, I don’t know each and every one of you like that, but it happens often enough that it’s important enough to address so that you can work your magic and help share your gifts and get people the results that they’re really seeking for and especially paying you for right that those things really matter. And so making sure that we’re asking the questions and real Putting everything together across multiple sessions, the sense of significance is not something necessarily garnered in one single conversation. But over time, we can get uglier, clearer picture of ourselves and others. And use that to our advantage because the shift can be incredibly powerful, if it is seen through and identified, really, really powerful, right? Because we just said, if it’s going to sometimes be the sticking point to resolve the whole problem zones having well then we definitely definitely want to be knowing how to look for it, that we do need to look for it, and seeking suitable replacements once we got that down. All righty. Well, Happy hunting. I’m sending you lots of love, and I’ll catch you on the next episode.